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We were joined recently by Kate Moyle, renowned expert and trusted resource in the field of psychosexual therapy, who has written extensively on the topic of sex in midlife. Her work focuses on providing guidance and support to individuals experiencing changes in their sexual lives during this stage of life.  She's also the host of the Sexual Wellness Sessions podcast. With plenty of giggles and in true ‘girly’, blush-worthy style we asked her questions received anonymously from friends.  She had some excellent responses and advice to help navigate this new chapter of our lives, when rekindling intimacy, finding connection and making the best of our new empty nest ‘freedoms’ which can be an exciting adventure - or, you might decide it’s time to take action, make your desires clearer (maybe for the first time in your life - gotta love those fifty year old zero-filters!) and rediscover romance. Here’s the transcript from our chat - you can also watch it on YouTube here or enjoy the full podcast episode here. Liz: What is the definition of sex? Kate: Well, really the definition that most of us kind of work on is sex is intercourse or penis and vagina penetration. And one of the biggest problems that we have with this is that obviously that is a part of sex, but it's not the sex that a lot of people are having. It's not the sex that is applicable to all couples or all people or all individuals based on genders, based on sexuality, based on physical abilities, bodies, there's so much going on based on preference. And so what we tend to now try and think about is the circular model of sex, which is that it's a sexual experience, which we can do for a number of reasons. And again, that it's not just something that is for procreation. And so much of sex has become focused and particular sex education has been focused around reproduction. But we know that the reasons that most people are having sex isn’t to conceive a lot of the time and one of my favourite pieces of research identified 237 reasons for why people said they were having sex and you know the meaning of sex is such a big part of that and a lot of the time is the reason why people are having it. Michelle: So, okay, in midlife, we may have been with our partners for quite some time. We may be into decades of marriage, perhaps. And as you mentioned, early days, you're kind of looking at the reproductive side of it, the fun side of it. How do we reintroduce more fun when perhaps it's got a bit dull and boring? How do we even open up those communications when you've just been in this routine, perhaps for a long, long time, without it becoming...how can I say, maybe confrontational or critical even? Kate: Mm, yeah, I think it's a huge question. And it's one of the things that is really important to say here is that people can have been having sex for 20 years and never talked about it. And often one of the things that happens is people don't really talk about sex until they have a problem. And if they haven't started their sex life or their relationship by being one of those couples that talk about it, it feels like it's something very hard to start and almost arguably harder, the longer you've been together, the longer you haven't talked about it. Often people kind of work around it without ever having to confront it. And I think that a really good way of starting the conversation is around. What's changed, and we know that midlife is a time that changes things for lots of people, and it's not necessarily that people have been in relationships for a really long time. We know that there's a huge, huge group of people who are starting new relationships at this point in their life, and that actually can come with a kind of separate group of anxieties or a very different group of anxieties. The familiarity, the routine bit is something that happens a lot of the time. We call it habituation for us as humans, but particularly a lot of the time in relationships and that becomes paired with the, we don't know how to talk about changing it factor. And in terms of starting a conversation, even if it's something we've never talked about, I often say to people kind of say, I listened to a podcast today (like Two Women Chatting!) or read a book today or I read an article today or I try and kind of L-shape the conversation so it feels like it's come from another source and that can be a good way of starting it because often I think when we feel that we have to start it, the pressure means that we'd rather just avoid it at all costs. Liz: But when you're on holiday, or you're in a hotel room or something, you know, your inhibitions seem to disappear. Why can't you bring that back home? What is it that's stopping it? Kate: Because context is so key to sex. Sex is always in context. And the reality is most of us in our homes, there's always something else to do. Sex very easily becomes deprioritized. And we talk about sex, not like a kind of drive, like the drive that we have for everything else, you know, to sleep, eat, breathe, but a kind of secondary drive that very easily gets deprioritized. And we particularly know that desire changes across the lifetime, is really context-based, that it changes whatever we have going on, whether that's our physical environment, whether that's how we're feeling, whether it's our mental health, our medication, physical symptoms that we're experiencing. And on holiday, we are typically kind of escaping routines, we're typically escaping our to-do list, we might switch off. Something I talk about a lot is this idea of switching off to turn on, and it's much easier to do it in a context which is separate from everything else that we have usually, but also it gives us a chance to see ourselves and our partners in a new light and that can be a great thing for desire. Michelle: And I think what you almost touched on there, Liz, was also, you know, if our kids have left and we now have an empty nest, that can be kind of liberating, can't it? Because you don't have people coming, you know, into the room potentially. You don't have like, can they hear us? You know, do we have to be really, really quiet? Do we have to be, you know, just only do it in the bedroom? All that sort of thing. Kate : Yeah, and I think, again, that's a distraction. People in the house, and particularly when children are either really small or really young, really small and really young, or kind of older and near adults, we know that kind of rules of coming in and coming out change. Whereas when children are kind of that slightly like middle-aged, they might just like potter around, go downstairs. Whereas teenagers, and particularly kind of closer to younger adults kind of coming in and out more as they wish and kind of roam around the house and young children have no concept of kind of private spaces, you know, very young children. So we can fear that anxiety sometimes about being overheard or being interrupted. And that in itself becomes a distraction. And when we are distracted, we're not really physically in our bodies and in our pleasure. And that in itself can inhibit both our kind of psychological motivation, wanting of sex, so the desire bit, but also our physical pleasure. Michelle: I think especially with women, would you agree that I think we're sort of on high alert all the time listening for, oh, do the kids need us? Is that the doorbell or whatever it is? I think women find it really hard to completely switch off from the multiple responsibilities that they have. But hopefully that becomes a little bit easier if you know there's nobody in the house or whatever that could be for you. Kate: I think absolutely when we are preoccupied, and this is something that we hear a lot from mothers and a lot from people kind of in that stage where we're also not focusing on ourselves, we're so prioritizing everyone else's needs and what can happen is sex can feel like another thing which is about someone else's needs at points and that distraction that can come about from all of those things and knowing that kind of to-do list is never done and that list of things is never fulfilled is really, is really interrupting when it comes to desire. And I think that that's when we talk about that ability from switching off to turn on. And we've seen that mindfulness studies have proven to be really good for sex lives. And actually where studies have been done by people like Dr. Laurie Brotto, who is based in Canada. She has done it with people who have gone through cancer. And what she's found is not only do the mindfulness exercises help with the psychological side of feeling increased desire, but also that there was a physical impact. So the body is actually creating more arousal in response to those kinds of techniques as well. So Dr. Laurie Brotto, she's been a guest on my podcast, which is the Sexual Wellness Sessions. She has a brilliant book and there will be numerous kind of podcasts with her around and videos. But really simply mindfulness is directing your attention in a particular direction without judgment. So it's kind of basically directing your attention back into the body is what we talk about when it comes to sex, because so many of us, we’ll be having sex and suddenly like a thought will pop into our heads and we'll be thinking about that and then that will take us off somewhere else and then we kind of almost forget that we're in the moment of having sex and like you were saying earlier, that sense of kind of being feeling like we're permanently distracted. And so it's about directing attention back towards the sensations that are happening in the body and a really good exercise to do if you're trying to practice that is running through the five senses at any point. So whether that's in the shower or kind of going about your daily day and because it is a practice, it's about kind of learning how to do that. Liz: A friend of mine used to put it in the diary. Is that healthy or is that sensible? At least it's logged that she's got to have sex with her husband. Or is that negative towards the marriage? Kate: I don't think it's necessarily a negative. Well, what we recommend as psychosexual therapists is that we don't schedule sex, but we say do schedule time to be together. Do put things in the, do mark that time. And there's an intentionality which is really good for relationships, which is this is important for us to spend time together and to be together. And we're gonna prioritize that above anything else. So, and you know, I always liken it to the fact that we book our meetings at work, we call our friends, we schedule to catch up with our families, to put in our doctor's appointments, our gym classes, we do it with everything else. But we have this very romantic view of sex and relationships, which is that they just happen, and actually scheduling means that you're making sure that it happens, and that prioritising and that intentionality is a really important part of relationships, and actually is one of the things that we see is a really important factor for people who report maintaining and having good sex lives is that they make it, they make sure it's a part of their lives and it's not about the act of having sex in that moment, but it is about kind of connecting in that physical way. Kate: The thing is we use the term sex and intimacy synonymously, and actually they're two different things. And obviously there can be a relationship between the two and they can contribute to each other. But you can have an intimate relationship without sex and you can have a sexual relationship without intimacy. But what the Gottmans, who are some of the biggest sex and relationship researchers in the world...describe as exercises like a six second kiss and a 10 second hug. And what they call the six second kiss is a kiss with potential. And I love that phrase because so often, you know, we all do it, we're all kind of busy and hectic and modern life is full on and we never switch off because our technology never switches off. So we're always contactable. But as we have those kind of, you know, peck on the cheek, run out the door moments. And what those potential moments allow, when we lean into them, A is a potential for responsive desire to be triggered, which might mean that we start to lean into feeling sensual and then sexual. And what we talk about responsive desire is, is the type of desire that happens once we have, we start something and then the desire to kind of continue emerges. So rather than we feel really turned on in the kind of flash of lightning feeling, and then we do something about it. So we can start that. And that's where the scheduling kind of time together, we talked about a minute ago, also kind of comes into effect. But it's those little moments of connection, often what I describe as bridges, are really important in relationships because even if we're not having sex, what they can do is allow us to feel connected or there is a level of sexual connection there. And we often describe those as sexual currency. So it's about kind of keeping currency rolling or higher within a couple so that we feel that those moments are still there or that kind of type of connection is still there, is still present. Liz: Is it good for a relationship to have, you know, a couple sleeping in separate bedrooms as they get older? Kate: I think it's dependent on the couple. I mean, lots of couples do, and it depends on, then I think their routines of coming back together if they want to be intimate and to have sex. For some couples, it means that they can sleep better, you know, particularly, we see that certain times it might happen, so if people are having cancer treatments and they're not feeling like they want to be close to their partner or they're having to, you know, go to the bathroom loads of times a night or they're having hormonal reactions, you know, lots of women who are menopausal, for example, or peri-menopausal say, they get so hot, they have such disturbed sleep, they're having night sweats that they just actually don't wanna be touched by anyone. If we have people going through induced menopause where it's very sudden, they can have those reactions really strongly and really intensely. And it can feel easier sometimes to manage those things on your own. But really it's about how that works for that particular couple. And also what it can do is people can do it without then having those bridging moments or those connection moments in another way. And I think if you're doing it, but you want to maintain a kind of sensual sexual relationship, it's about working out how you do that. It might be that, you know, actually that you, if you can, and if your schedules allow it, then kind of come back together in the morning and start your mornings by being together, rather than kind of closing together at night. Michelle: So shifting the time, it doesn't have to be at night, does it? It can be during the morning, Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon. And I think you meant you just touched upon the menopause. Gosh, that comes with so many hangups, confidence things. You know, sometimes your sleep is disturbed so you're not feeling frisky. You're just exhausted all the time. I had a question from somebody that says, that was when you've put on weight, as so often is the case in midlife, and you're not feeling body confident, you're worried about your body image, and it becomes very much a under the covers, never see me naked, don't even shower in front of your partner anymore because you just don't feel confident. Is that something that, how can you work on that? Because I do really think that if you have more inner confidence and you're more confident in your body, you're more likely to be a bit more adventurous perhaps and a bit more, just carry yourself in a different way. Would you have any advice on how to try and claw back on that? And then as a supplementary question, there's the more painful aspects of sex in menopause, the vaginal dryness and so on. First of all, the body confidence. I think that's a big one for lots of women. Kate: Hmm. I think the body confidence thing is across the lifetime. And, you know, we see it particularly with people who are postnatal or, you know, also things people going through things like infertility or miscarriages who were struggling with a relationship with their body again, through cancer, you know, whether it's diagnosis, treatment, um, through menopause and body confidence really is about not how we look, but how we feel. And a lot of people's anxieties come from how they feel they've changed. I think a lot of the time conversations with our partners can be really helpful, but doing things that make you feel good in your body. So whether it's wearing something like a texture of a material that feels really nice on your skin, it might sound really small, but it might be something that just makes you feel a bit better. And again, it can help you to kind of root in your sensations and we want you to be feeling good and feeling pleasure. The body confidence bit. Again, what it does is it takes us into our thoughts and keeps us preoccupied by what's going on in our head rather than what's going on in our body. And really the kind of simple answer, which is not wildly helpful, is do what helps you to kind of feel good in yourself. And once we know that people feel more comfortable then they feel more confident. But we also live in a society where women get a lot of messages about how they look, how they appear, what their bodies should be like all the time. And so there is a much, you know, a much bigger, wider conversation going on here. And then in terms of kind of the vaginal atrophy that we can experience in menopause. So menopause has 34 common symptoms, very few of which make us feel good or make us feel sexy from, you know, kind of, kind of cloudy brain, muddled brain to night sweats, to vaginal dryness, to hot flashes to feeling kind of really up and down in our feelings, to not feeling listened to, to changes in identity. So we talk about these things from what we call a biopsychosocial approach. So the biological, the social elements and the psychological elements. And, you know, often women are saying, I just don't feel like myself. And that's not something that makes me feel good. Or I felt kind of top of my game and top of my career. And I'm struggling to remember like where I put my keys. And that stuff can have such a negative impact on how we feel about ourselves. And the vaginal dryness is to do with the drop in oestrogen where the tissue of the vagina becomes less lubricated, less elastic. A great water-based lubricant is a really, really good thing here, as well as vaginal moisturisers. And I recommend, yes, organics all the time. They're brilliant, all natural, all organic. But having sex when it hurts you and it's causing you pain is going to only be a negative thing. It's not going to make you want to do it again. It's going to have an impact on your desire, but also it's negatively reinforcing. And there are lots of simple solutions, but so many of us feel shame or embarrassment about having to use those solutions. And that in itself is one of the biggest barriers. Michelle: So talking to your GP as well about these things, I think it's really important because there are things that you can take like the vagifem and the pessaries that are oestrogen based and the lubricants as you mentioned. You know, we're not in our 20s anymore and I think we have to consider sex in a different way that makes it more pleasant, pleasurable. And the pleasure index, I think, is very important, isn't it? To do it because you want to do it and because it's fun. And do we focus perhaps too much? I would say that most women, as they get older, no, I don't know, I don't know my stats, to be honest. But from the general conversations that I've had with people, it is harder and takes longer to orgasm. Do we focus too much on that being, that's what we're going for, and if we don't get that, then that was kind of rubbish. Kate: We do have a really goal-orientated model when it comes to sex. It is, as you're describing, a lot of women say that they are struggling. And, you know, men as well, but a lot of people are saying they're struggling to reach that point of orgasm in the way that they used to. Part of it is, you know, the physical and the changes that we're going through. Part of it is also the more we worry about it not happening or the longer we worry about it, the more we worry about that it's taking longer, the more distracted we are and the more that's interrupting our pleasure. Kate: Our sex lives go in all these different phases and stages. And again, how we're taught about sex is that it's a static thing that never changes. We're never kind of taught about it as, you know, there's gonna be changes, there are gonna be things that happen to you, that this is something that might be more fluid, and that, you know, adapting our sex lives throughout these different stages is a really important thing to acknowledge that we might have to do or that might make it work better for us. And I think making it work for us in whatever way it works is a big part of that. Liz: I guess that sort of brings in Viagra, which I always thought it was for men, but I've heard there is Viagra for women as well, is that correct? Kate: it's not licensed, it's a different product. And there's nothing like that kind of in the UK at the moment, but Viagra has just had its 30 year, it's 30 years this year. That's why there's lots of documentaries and stuff going on around it at the moment. But also the way that it works is it's not an aphrodisiac. What it does is it inhibits the reaction. So it basically stops erections kind of draining or going away as quickly. But I think that often people take it and they think that it's an aphrodisiac and it's gonna make them feel really turned on. Now, obviously there can be psychological effects, which there can be a relief with taking something like that or a feel, you know, a feeling of, okay, I've got some assistance or I can relax more or I can feel more confident. And those things of course can have an impact, but really it's about changing blood flow. Michelle: How would, I'm trying to think, if you feel that your partner has got an erectile dysfunction, how can you gently go about suggesting that perhaps he looks into Viagra or something similar without being offensive? Kate: That again a conversation around it we know that the statistics for men struggling with erections increases with age and we know that that's for decrease in muscle tone but also decreases in testosterone and so that it's not something that's unexpected and we see those statistics increasing in line with age it's really normal to go and discuss that with your doctor if you're loss of morning erections. So morning erections basically are nocturnal erections which happen throughout the night and typically when you're in the period of REM sleep just before you wake up is when you'll be having an erection. So which is why lots of people wake up with morning erections. Again, exactly. But again, there's decline, there's decline naturally with aging but if they change suddenly it's absolutely something to seek medical advice on because it can be an indicator of something else going on in the body, for example, things like cardiovascular disease because of changes to blood flow. And really, if it's interrupting your sex life, that your partner is struggling or that you're noticing that they're struggling, being able to talk about it and then seek some advice about it is a really, really good thing. And there's nothing to be ashamed of. I think the shame of feeling like we're the only ones that have a problem is... one of the biggest barriers to people seeking help and advice, which could really change things for them in a really positive way. Michelle: Well, there's a lot of health benefits, isn't there, to having a sex life at any adult age? But in midlife, I'm thinking more like strengthening your pelvic floor. And does it help with incontinence too, if you can do more exercise down there? Kate: Well, strengthening the pelvic floor, having a toned pelvic floor is great for everything pelvic related. There's a brilliant book by a friend of mine called Strong Foundations. She's a pelvic floor therapist called Claire Bourne and she talks about pelvic health across the lifetime. But we know that a more toned pelvic floor helps with incontinence, helps improve orgasm because part of orgasm is a wave of muscular contractions. And so a more toned pelvic floor can mean that you can feel those contractions more, that they can be stronger. But also it's important to say an over tight pelvic floor can make sex uncomfortable. And so, because the vagina basically runs through the pelvic floor and so if you're really tense, then it can make penetrative sex painful or sore. And, but definitely like a pelvic floor has range of benefits, but making sure that we're, if we're doing those exercises, that we're doing them properly, the relaxing is as important as the tensing. Liz: Do you know, I was always told to do these pelvic floor exercises when I was pregnant. Of course I didn't. And I'm just wondering, you know, that's the little children that say, is it too late? Because I'm sure there's lots of women out there who are the same as me. It's never too late. Kate: No, it's never too late. And I think one of the things that is you've just hit the nail on the head is we only tend to hear about them for the first time when we're pregnant. And then you have it drilled into you because obviously the pelvic floor is under such huge amounts of pressure during pregnancy and then childbirth. Um, but then we kind of forget to mention that it's important all of the time. And we know that incontinence statistics and women, particularly kind of midlife onwards, a huge. Michelle: I have one almost final question because quite honestly I could sit here and talk to you all day. But how about a helping hand sex toys? Here you go. I don't even know how to ask it. But would you recommend it? Is it? I mean, I think a lot of people take different times to get to where they want to be particularly in midlife, I think with distractions and it's maybe a little harder to get to orgasm. Would you recommend using something like a sex toy or a vibrator to spice things up, help you get there? And how do you kind of get over the embarrassment of, so should we try this then? It's a bravery move in some ways, but it's also kind of selfish and necessarily so. Liz: It can be funny. You know, you make it funny, make the entertainment value out of it. But you know, it's entertainment, you can make it funny and then it can work. Kate: Yeah, I mean, I think sex toys are a great addition at any stage. I work with a sex toy brand called LELO, but, and what I love about them is that they do have a whole range of products and they don't look, I think sometimes when we think about sex toys, we think they have to look really phallic or really realistic or really body-like and actually sex toys nowadays. I mean, there is the most enormous range and they can be completely beautiful and fit for purpose, some that fit in the palm of your hand, some that are designed for men to wear, some that are designed for couples, individuals. What they are great at is increasing intensity of sensation. So if you are struggling to reach an orgasm or it feel like it's taking longer or you feel that you need more, then they can be great for that. They are great for both kind of solo or couples, I think introducing them with a partner. If you don't know where to start. It's kind of having that conversation, which is shall we try something together? How would you feel about trying something new? Remembering you're always a step ahead of them if you're the one introducing the conversation. So if they need a bit of time to catch up with you, kind of give them that chance. But I often say to people, look at a website together and choose one together so that you're then at least in the same boat, or you can both say that looks terrifying. No, never will I ever try that. But that one I'm kind of okay with. And I think there's something in that, There are some great ones that are, you know, literally like little vibrators that kind of sit in the palm of your hand or some that are kind of more like wand shaped and or kind of bullet shaped. And I often say to people incorporate them into non genital play or like massage. So kind of rub them all over each other's bodies or try them on your own first, see how you feel and just work out what feels good. If the goal is what Emily Nagoski, who's a kind of icon in my world, describes as pleasure is the measure, then doing something together which feels good for you both can be a great thing. Michelle: I think that's a great place to end on as they say. A happy ending. Sorry! Okay you are obviously just full of great tips and advice. If people want to know more where do they find your website and your contact details? Website: www.katemoyle.co.uk Book: The Science of Sex Podcast: The Sexual Wellness Sessions We only share links to products we would use ourselves and all opinions are our own. You can read the full disclaimer here. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates. Please visit our Midlife Library which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content.

by Dr Helen Wall It’s all very acceptable having your heart skip a beat when you’re in a rom com movie, but in real life the sensation of your heart beating hard and fast or dipping in and out of beats can be truly frightening. In medical terms the sensation of a noticeable heartbeat doing any of the above is referred to as palpitations.  Some of you may be reading this having had palpitations and wondering should you be worried. What if anything will your GP likely do? Palpitations come up commonly in my GP consultations and mostly in women. The majority of women with palpitations are not found to have any underlying illness but there are key steps that we need to take to determine this. Firstly, there are many lifestyle factors that can trigger runs of palpitations and we should always start by asking about these. Stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, dehydration, caffeine, alcohol and some medications can all be common triggers. Palpitations should not be brought on suddenly by exercise, painful or prolonged and should not cause you to faint, be short of breath, go dizzy or collapse. These are ‘alarm symptoms’ that would make me more worried as your GP. If you are experiencing palpitations with any of these features please seek more urgent medical attention. Most of the time no cause is found but there are some heart related (e.g. atrial fibrillation, a heart murmur) and non-heart related (e.g. overactive thyroid, salt imbalance) conditions that can present with palpitations. Expect the GP to examine you and request some blood tests and an ECG (recording of the heart’s rhythm) to rule these conditions out or to find them and manage them accordingly. If your symptoms are persistent or particularly bothersome we might refer you to a heart specialist (cardiologist) for further tests. Of course you can have palpitations all month except the very day you go to see your GP or specialist. Don’t worry, the specialist will likely arrange for you to go home with a device on to try and capture what your heart is doing during your palpitations. In most cases there will be nothing to worry about. For those of you who’ve had palpitations, even if there’s ‘nothing to worry about’ they can remain terrifically bothersome and I’ve seen women driven to distraction by recurring palpitations in their perimenopause stage of life due to changing hormone levels. Some resources suggest up to half of menopausal women will experience palpitations at some point and HRT may or may not help with these. We seem to be chalking a lot up to the menopause these days and whilst I’m all for outing the plethora of symptoms that occur in menopause it’s also important to not rely on this as the cause unless other causes have been firmly ruled out. Once you have the all clear, look to reduce the frequency and severity of your palpitations by looking at the known triggers mentioned above. Sometimes I do wonder if life would be easier in the movies! Top Tip: try splashing cold water on your face or hold your nose and breathe out against it to stimulate the vagus nerve that manages your heart rate and may calm palpitations then breathe deeply to relax. This article was written by Dr Helen Wall an accomplished medical professional with a rich background in healthcare and public health. As well as being a senior GP partner she has had many varied roles across the health system over the years as well as training medical students and GPs. She has additional qualifications In women’s health and an honorary doctorate in public health.   Her passion for advocating for patients and utilising effective communication skills is evident not only in her medical practice but also as a freelance Media GP, where she serves as the resident GP for BBC Breakfast and contributes a weekly GP column to Woman magazine.  Her multifaceted career and commitment to both her profession and the well-being of her patients exemplify Dr. Helen Wall as a compassionate and influential figure in the field of medicine and public health. We only share links to products we would use ourselves and all opinions are our own. You can read the full disclaimer here. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates. Please visit our Midlife Library which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content.

by Tanith Carey As a woman hitting mid-life  these days, it’s impossible not to be inundated by information about hot flushes, dry skin, lowered libido, and many of the other physical symptoms that can come with menopause. But for all this chatter, there's a good chance you've still not heard about the one more menopause symptoms that could be colouring your whole experience of life. It’s feeling BLAH - or emotionally flatlined - and finding it hard to enjoy the activities you used to love. Yet  without realising it, too many of us accept Anhedonia – the scientific name for this   -  as an inevitable consequence of being a midlife woman in a stressful modern world. But as the author of the first book to look at the reasons  behind this: “Feeling Blah?’ I’m here to tell you, you don’t have to accept this as your status quo. So what are some of the possible reasons? One big contributor is the shifting hormones in perimenopause and menopause. Here's why. Far from just ruling the ovaries, many areas of the brain are packed with oestrogen receptors. They include the regions in the reward circuit, like the amygdala and the hippocampus. As women stop ovulating – and producing oestrogen – studies show this has a knock-on effect on the feel-good chemicals, dopamine, and serotonin. Oestrogen has also been found to stimulate the  dopamine receptors in your brain too. So, falling levels mean that less dopamine is released into our brain’s reward system, where your good feelings are actually made. There’s one other way falling oestrogen affects your mood. The female sex hormone also buffers the effects of the stress hormone, cortisol. When it starts falling away, cortisol starts to get the upper hand. So this will explain why you start feeling more anxious and panicky about small things that never bothered them before. And oestrogen isn’t the only chemical involved. Other hormones and neurotransmitters also stop working in harmony in perimenopause and menopause. Levels of progesterone, a hormone which naturally calms you, also drops off. Meanwhile, just to add to the miex, our levels of the male hormone, testosterone, which gives us sense of confidence, and GABA, a moderating neurotransmitter, also fall away Because of this perfect storm – some might say whirlwind – it’s hardly surprising that the majority of women say they feel more bothered by small things that didn’t affect them before. One common thing I hear is that women who were confident drivers ( and I include myself here)  now find themselves getting nervous about driving on motorways, or waking up worrying about their to-do lists that they previously took in their stride. The loss of this cushioning effect during menopause can spell a shift from a “I can handle this” mentality to “This all feels a bit much”. On top of that there’s the fact that many of us are overwhelmed simply by the amount we have to do these days. Seventy-five per cent in the UK now also work as well as try to raise their families. There are more working mothers in the workplace than at any time in the UK – with 75 percent also having a job, as well as being a parent, according to recent government statistics. The fact that we are gaining more equality in the workplace is good news, except for one thing. Even in 2024, in heterosexual relationships, mothers still do the lion’s share of the housework and organisation around kids, according to a wide range of studies. As children get older and into the teen years, the demands don’t go away. If anything, the problems scale up with the size of the children, especially as more young people are struggling with mental health issues. As the most common age to have a baby in the UK is the early 30s, the timing means many women are going through the start of the hormonal upheavals of perimenopause quite soon into their parenting. When their children are hitting puberty, we are more likely to be hitting menopause proper – and parenting teens is harder than ever. Nothing like a teen telling you what an ‘annoying old bat'- or worse - when you’re not exactly feeling your confident best, is there? So, while this seems to massively stack the odds against women in the mid-life years here’s the good news. There are plenty of ways to address Blah – because we’ve never known more about how good feelings are made in the brain than we do now – thanks to fMRI scanners that can see emotions being formed. Of course, modern life will always have its challenges and stresses. But when we understand how we can make these good feelings, then we can push back and start to love it again. So far I have named a few of the factors that can add  up to feeling blah in menopause. But everyone has their own cocktail of reasons.  Diet, illness,  Long Covid, burn-out, childhood trauma - can also play their part. When you find out what your reasons are, you can start to address them. Indeed the first step is knowing that 'Anhedonia' is a 'thing' that can be addressed.  That awareness alone can put you on the right path back to loving your life. What I learned from my own journey out of Anhedonia is that no woman should ever feel so ground down by life that joy feels like the ultimate luxury. Everyone will have their reasons. When you discover yours, you can start living life to the full again and putting together your toolbox to address them.

by Marley Hall Many of us experience shifts in our body composition and skin elasticity as the years pass by. Stubborn areas of fat become difficult to shift, and skin starts to loosen more than we’d like. Not everyone wants to take drastic measures like going under the knife through cosmetic surgery, and that’s where modern technology has come to the rescue. Non-invasive treatments like cavitation and radiofrequency can make a world of difference, avoiding long and sometimes painful recovery times. Cavitation and radiofrequency are simply non-invasive cosmetic procedures designed to target stubborn fat and rejuvenate your skin. Let's break down what each treatment involves: Cavitation Cavitation uses low frequency ultrasound technology to target and liquidise fat cells beneath the skin by apply pressure to the fat cell membrane. The process creates tiny bubbles in the fat tissue, which eventually burst, breaking down the fat into a liquid form that your body can naturally eliminate. It's an excellent choice for spot-reducing fat in areas like the abdomen, thighs, and arms. A trained technician will apply a gel to the treatment area and use a handheld device to deliver ultrasound waves. The procedure is generally painless and may take around 30-60 minutes per session. You’ll feel the skin warming up and may experience a temporary buzzing in your ears whilst its being carried out. Most people describe cavitation as a comfortable treatment with minimal discomfort. Some warmth or tingling sensations might be felt, but there's typically no downtime, allowing you to resume your daily activities immediately. Radiofrequency Radiofrequency (RF) therapy involves the use of controlled radio waves to heat the skin's deeper layers, stimulating collagen production and tightening loose or saggy skin. This is an effective way to reduce wrinkles and improve skin texture. It can also be used for fat reduction as it can heat to high temperatures, melting the fat beneath the skin. The melted fat cells eventually die off and leave the body through the lymphatic system During an RF session, a technician will glide a handheld device over the treatment area, gently heating the skin. A full treatment session typically takes around 30-45 minutes. Clients usually report a pleasant warming sensation during the procedure. There's minimal discomfort or downtime associated with RF treatments. With both cavitation and radiofrequency, 6-10 sessions may be required to obtain good results for fat reduction and skin tightening on the body. Less are required for the face. Research Numerous studies support the effectiveness of cavitation and radiofrequency treatments. For example, a study published in the "Journal of Clinical and Aesthetic Dermatology" (2017) found that radiofrequency treatments significantly improved skin tightening and elasticity in postmenopausal women. Remember that individual results may vary, and it's essential to consult with a qualified practitioner to determine the right treatment plan for your unique needs. In conclusion, cavitation and radiofrequency are safe and effective options for all, particularly women navigating the changes of menopause and perimenopause. With minimal discomfort and no downtime, these treatments can help you achieve the body and skin you desire. To speak to a qualified practitioner about cavitation and radiofrequency treatments in Surrey, visit www.abbeywelltherapy.co.uk Marley Hall is a UK registered, award winning midwife, educator and author from Surrey. She is also a mother of 5. Since qualifying in 2009, she worked extensively within the NHS, caring for women from a wide range of backgrounds during pregnancy, birth and postnatally. Marley now works as a private independent midwife in and around London. She also runs an aesthetic clinic providing cosmetic treatments in Surrey. Marley is one of the founding members of NowBaby Live, and works to provide evidence based antenatal education to people all over the world. She is passionate about ensuring women and their partners are given informed choice and uses social media to educate a vat number of expectant parents. Her debut book Midwife Marley’s Guide for Everyone: Pregnancy, Birth & The Fourth Trimester was released in March 2022 Did you enjoy this article?  Why not join the Two Women Chatting   mailing list for regular updates. We only share links to products we would use ourselves and all opinions are our own. You can read the full  disclaimer here. Please visit our resources page   which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content.

Bones are a dynamic living organ that turn over all the time. A small piece of bone takes between 3 to 9 months to turn over completely and renew itself. By your late 30s, your bone density starts to naturally decrease. Oestrogen is very protective of your bones therefore falling oestrogen levels speed up this decline. What is bone density? The term bone density relates to the amount, or thickness, of minerals in bone tissue. It is a measure of how strong and healthy your bones are. This loss of bone density makes your bones weaker, less pliable and therefore more susceptible to breaking. What is osteoporosis? Osteoporosis is when the loss of bone density is severe and there is a greater risk of bones breaking. Many people have no idea they have osteoporosis as it is not usually painful until a bone is broken. According to the Royal Osteoporosis Society one in two women over the age of 50 will have a fracture which could relate to osteoporosis. For men this figure is one in five. DEXA scan to assess bone density A DEXA scan is used to measure bone density which is a non-invasive scan using radiation at a much lower dose than a standard X-ray. The scanner can use the bone density measurement to compare against people of the same age and sex, giving a good indication as to whether you are at risk of or already have osteoporosis. The DEXA scanner is an open machine and the whole process takes about 10 minutes. There are very strict criteria for being eligible on the NHS. which include having already broken a bone, having rheumatoid arthritis, early menopause or being very underweight. The scans are available privately and I encourage everyone, especially women around the time of menopause to consider having one. Information is key to knowing what we can do to prevent a future problem. What can we do to protect and strengthen our bones? There are certain risk factors which we can’t do anything about such as our genes, being a women and getting older but there are other risk factors which are known to increase our risk of osteoporosis which we can address. Smoking slows down that build bone in our bodies. Interestingly, if you’re a woman, smoking also increase your chances of an earlier menopause which is when women are more susceptible to osteoporosis. Drinking too much alcohol can affect the cells that build up and break down brown. It also makes you unsteady on your feet, making you more likely to trip, fall and break a bone. Being physically active and doing exercise helps to keep bones strong and healthy throughout life. That’s because your bones are living tissues that get stronger when you use them. Eating and drinking the right things can help support your bone health at every stage of your life. Calcium and Vitamin D are two nutrients well-known to be important for bones. But there are many other vitamins, minerals and nutrients that are vital to help your bones stay healthy and strong.Try not to become too concerned with getting all these in your diet. If you enjoy a healthy, balanced diet, you're probably getting everything you need. At Menopause Health we believe in educating women about their health risks as they age. Most women contact us to help control the symptoms of menopause such as hot flushes, anxiety, low mood but all women need to be aware of the long-term risks of living with low hormone levels. Osteoporosis is a silent disease, that if detected early enough could be treated. This article is written by Judith Spruzs is the founder of Menopause Health person-centred, holistic care for perimenopausal and menopausal women. Michelle shares her DEXA scan experience on our YouTube channel. Click here to see how simple and totally painless the process is. Her scan was complete in 15 minutes and she had the results by the end of the day. We only share links to products we would use ourselves and all opinions are our own. You can read the full disclaimer here. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates. Please visit our Midlife Library which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content.

Pharmacy First- well basically it is what it says on the tin! The NHS England scheme is to encourage people to visit their pharmacists rather than their GP's for less serious illnesses and in turn will help to relieve the pressures on general practices. What is the Pharmacy First Scheme? Pharmacy First is a new service in England which means that you can receive advice and NHS funded medicines for common, less serious illnesses from a pharmacist, without having to make an appointment with your GP to obtain a prescription or visit a hospital. Over 10,000 pharmacies in England have registered for the scheme which is due to start at the end of January 2024 and is aimed at reducing the pressure on general practices. This, alongside expansions to the pharmacy blood pressure checking and contraception services, will save up to 10 million general practice team appointments a year and help patients access quicker and more convenient care, including the supply of appropriate medicines for minor illnesses. Conditions included: The seven conditions included in the Pharmacy First scheme are: What are the Benefits of Pharmacy First? • You do not need an appointment. Though please note that you may have to wait a short period to speak to the pharmacist. • Anything you say to the pharmacist is treated with confidence. There is a private consultation room available. • Pharmacies are open during normal business hours, Saturdays and Sundays and many open late. • Pharmacists are highly qualified healthcare professionals who are experts in medicines. • It may be quicker to see your pharmacist than wait for a GP appointment. How does Pharmacy First Work? If you are feeling unwell and may have any of the conditions listed above you can access Pharmacy First at your local pharmacy and if they are not registered they will advise you of one nearby. Your local participating pharmacist will explain the service to you and ask you for some details including your name, date of birth, postcode, and GP practice. Will I have to pay for my advice or medicine? If you don’t normally pay for NHS prescriptions, any medicines supplied to you under the Pharmacy First Scheme will be free. And if you do usually pay for your prescriptions, the cost of the medicine will be the same as a prescription charge. Will I always get medication? On some occasions, you may not need medication and will receive professional healthcare advice. If the pharmacist feels it is appropriate to signpost you elsewhere, they will highlight the most suitable service to you. Medicines will ONLY be supplied when you have a current condition in need of treatment. Any medication supplied to you must only be used to treat yourself or a dependent. Important information about the Pharmacy First Scheme If accessing the Pharmacy First scheme, you must tell your pharmacist if: • You think you might be pregnant • Other medications you are taking • You are pregnant and/or breastfeeding • Any allergies that you have Pharmacists are highly qualified health care professionals who are experts in medicines. The future of pharmacy is independent prescribing, which will enable pharmacists to see and treat a wider group of patients. In the near future pharmacists will leave university being able to prescribe. The initiation of these services also reflects the NHS’s confidence in community in terms of quality of service and professionalism achieved, which patients and local communities expect to receive- we know that local communities trust and rely on their pharmacy teams. This article was created with the assistance of Thorrun Govind, TV Health Expert, Pharmacist and Healthcare Lawyer, Former Chair and Board Member of the Royal Pharmaceutical Society Did you find this article useful? Sign up for free to become part of the Two Women Chatting Midlife Space and receive exclusive updates.

Award-winning PR expert Sophie Attwood reveals five things to make sure your business doesn't fail and instead, thrives from ‘invisible PR’ to having an end goal, she shares her five tips. There are 5.93 million businesses in the UK and approximately 20% of all businesses fail within the first year while 60% go bankrupt within the first three years. Award-winning PR expert and author of Beautiful PR: Finding Your Brand's Heartbeat for Authenticity in Communication, Sophie Attwood, suggests that effective PR and marketing, or lack of it, is the reason why most businesses fail. ‘I see regularly how people have a brilliant idea, product or service but without an effective communications and marketing strategy to get it out there to the public it simply won’t succeed. It’s very sad to see so many businesses failing because of this - when their business is often, on paper, set to be very successful.’ Here, Sophie reveals the five things you MUST do to ensure that your business doesn’t fail: Find your heartbeat ‘Marketing is about connection. It’s about humanizing your brand rather than simply shouting: ‘We’re the best! Buy us! Sometimes, people forget where they started - and that then has a detrimental impact on their communications strategy. At the beginning of every business - big or small - is someone, somewhere, with a reason for doing it. This needs to come through within a brand’s communications strategy.’ Communicating your heartbeat ‘Once you’ve found your brand’s heartbeat you need to communicate it. By that, I meant that you need consumers to really understand what this brand is about. The best way to do this is to ‘show’ rather than ‘tell.’ In other words people need to read about what they’re buying to feel a reap connection. Stories need to be told; real, raw emotions need to be experienced.’ Know your end goal ‘Knowing what your end goal is is one of the keys to a successful business,’ insists Sophie. ‘Are you looking for more clients? Are you looking to expand to a global market? Are you hoping to launch a bricks and mortar offering? Having a really clear idea of what you want to achieve before you set out to do it is of course vital.’ Be honest and ambitious ‘Being honest and ambitious with your goals is often overlooked but it is very important. You can help to achieve this by being honest about what you have to say to your target audience and recognising how that will make them feel. What can you educate them about? Which publications would mean the most to the consumer you’re trying to attract and how would this link to your end goal?’ Don’t forget the Invisible PR ‘Invisible PR is what people think of you/your brand or business and say about you when you’re out of the room,’ explains Sophie. ‘It’s a series of tiny, often seemingly inconsequential things, which, put together, matter hugely. This is the subconscious response that you and your brand evoke for everyone who comes across it. It’s your reputation and how others will decide to view you for years, even decades, to come. Ultimately a brand is not what you tell people it is, it’s what others (your consumers) agree it is! It’s something every brand and its employers need to be incredibly aware of. And it’s always the little things that matter. From the way people are spoken to on their initial introductory call, to your tone of voice in the quick email fired off to a colleague or potential client, everything matters. It’s the character of the people behind the brand and the way consumers are treated that will impact how others see the brand too. And this alone, has the power to make or break a brand and business.’ Sophie Attwood is an award-winning global communications expert specialising in the health, beauty and wellness industries and author of Beautiful PR: Finding Your Brand's Heartbeat for Authenticity in Communication. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates.

There are many unknowns when you start IVF. One of the most stressful is the total cost you pay if you have treatment privately. It’s hard to know what treatment you will need, how many times you might have to go through it and consequently, how much in total you will have to pay. Using data from all the clinics we work with (almost every clinic in the UK), we open the lid on the average costs. How much does it cost? Based on our data, we know how much a complete round of standard IVF treatment typically costs in three of the UK’s major cities, London, Birmingham and Manchester: · In London, a complete round of IVF treatment typically costs between £6,115 and £9,195 · In Birmingham, a complete round of IVF treatment typically costs between £4,845 and £7,625 · In Manchester, a complete round of IVF treatment typically costs between £4,845 and £7,405 Data last updated: June 2023. Costs can vary, depending on the clinic – and will likely increase over time. To understand how much IVF might cost you, it’s also important to understand why costs can vary. What impacts the cost of IVF? The above costs are indicative of a complete round of IVF treatment, and unfortunately it’s impossible to know how many rounds you might need to have a child. At Gaia, we provide Gaia Plans for up to 6 rounds of treatment. On average, it takes 2 to 3. There are several different types of IVF treatment. Depending on what kind of treatment you need, you will likely have extra costs on top of a standard IVF round: · IVF + ICSI is on average £1,100 extra – most common treatment for heterosexual couples in cases of male infertility · Sperm Donor IVF is on average £1,000 extra – for same-sex couples, single parents or for heterosexual couples who choose to use donor sperm · Egg Donor IVF is on average £2,800 extra – for same-sex couples, single parents or for heterosexual couples who choose to use donor eggs Extra costs for the “Egg and/or Sperm Donor IVF” treatment also include admin, transport and registration fees from the chosen donor bank. Hidden costs There are essential treatments and procedures that you’ll need to complete your IVF treatment. But fertility clinics don’t always include all of them in their package pricing. This is why you’ll see lots of fertility clinics list their IVF treatment cost at £3,000, but in reality what you end up spending is closer to £6,000 with medication, scans, and additional necessary procedures. The emotional cost We carried out research last summer to better understand the costs and impact of IVF on those who were going through the journey. According to our results, on average people in the UK pay around £13,730 for their IVF treatment. That’s 44% of the UK median annual household income (£31,400). With such a significant portion of people’s income and savings going towards treatment, it’s a sad reality that 78% of people have gone into debt because of their fertility treatment, and almost one-third say they’re worried about their ability to pay off that debt in the future. “No one should have to compromise their financial future to build their family. But time and time again, I speak to people who have re-mortgaged their home, gone into overdraft, or taken out credit card debt – all for an outcome that isn’t guaranteed. At Gaia, we insure the risk so no one takes on this uncertainty and financial commitment alone.” - Lucy Slack, Head of Experience at Gaia Paying for IVF and your options Those who go directly to a private clinic for IVF treatment would need to pay the treatment costs, and necessary medication, throughout their treatment rounds. However, Gaia works with your clinic to fix all of your treatment and medication costs upfront, and cover all of the payment until you have a child. All you’ll need to pay is an insurance premium (10-30% of the treatment costs) to start each round. When you have a child, pay back monthly for your treatments for up to 8 years. If you don’t have a child at the end of your Gaia Plan, don’t pay back any of your treatment costs. “Thanks to Gaia we still have over 70% of our savings in our IVF pot” – Lizzy, Gaia Member To request your personalised Gaia Plan to find out if you’re eligible and how much it would cost, you can find a short questionnaire on the Gaiafamily website. This article is a guest advertorial by Gaia Fertility. Listen to the Two Women Chatting episode 'Our Kids Fertility Journey' with Midwife Marley where we chat with her about IVF and egg freezing. Please visit our Resources page which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content. We only share links to products we would use ourselves and all opinions are our own. You can read the full disclaimer here. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates.

When it comes to our health habits, we can often overlook the simple in search of the complex. However, the fundamental pillars that under pin our general wellbeing and hormonal health are often the most accessible daily acts available to us all…. Let’s explore some of these daily habits, that, done with consistency, can see the needle move radically on our health barometer. Get moving When it comes to hormonal health, movement is a powerful ally and not how we move but also when we move. A morning walk is an ideal way to start the day. Daylight, even on a cloudy day, helps to increase levels of our happy hormone, serotonin. It also helps to increase levels of our motivation hormone, dopamine. Serotonin not only helps us to feel happy and content, but converts to melatonin, our sleep hormone, increasing the quantity and quality of our sleep. Morning daylight is a powerful way to increase these important brain hormones as well as communicating to the body the time of day, setting our internal body clock. Even a ten-minute walk can support this positive benefit, by parking a little further away from the office, or allowing an extra ten minutes in the morning to prioritise a walk, done consistently, can see improvements in mood, sleep, anxiety and muscle tone. Walking after eating is another simple yet powerful habit. When we eat, we have an increase in blood sugar levels. These blood sugars need to be used up to stop them being converted to and stored as fat. When we go for a post-lunch walk, our hungry leg muscles mop up this circulating blood sugar, reducing the amount of excess blood sugar available for fat storage. Activities such as gardening, dog walking, hiking and wild swimming, all tap into the benefits of being outdoors combined with physical activity. Sleep like a baby Sleep is a MUST when it comes to our hormonal health. Poor sleep will ultimately lead to poor energy levels and some bad habits will likely start to set in, such as using sugar to boost our energy and wine to wind us down. Getting good sleep starts in the morning, as already stated, a morning walk can boost our sleep hormone, melatonin, at night time. Other habits to help sleep include, not eating too late at night. When we eat a large meal too close to bedtime, the body has to focus on digesting the food rather than preparing for sleep. Digestion involves an increase in body temperature, which is at odds with what the body wants to do in preparation for sleep, which is a drop in core body temperature. A dark room is also a helpful ally in our quest for good sleep, even a small amount of light creeping in through the curtains can wake us in the middle of the night. A black sleep mask can be very helpful in blocking out all forms of light pollution. Another simple way of supporting sleep is a magnesium supplement. Magnesium is also known as the ‘sleep mineral.’ It helps to relax the nervous system and helps us to get into REM sleep. A good quality, bioavailable compound such as magnesium bisglycinate not only helps to ease you into sleep, but can also help alleviate hot flushes, low mood, low energy and muscle cramps. A balancing act Balanced blood sugars are SO important for our overall health but also for our hormonal health. When our blood sugars are consistently spiked too high over a long period of time, then we can begin to experience insulin resistance. This is a condition where insulin is no longer as effective at doing its job of shunting blood sugar (glucose) into the cells of the body. The brain cells are the first to complain, resulting in low mood, food cravings, persistent hunger, brain fog, body temperature dysregulation, feelings of heightened emotions, anger and irritability. Balance blood sugars by becoming aware of the foods that cause a big spike in your blood sugar levels such as sweets, cakes, bread and wheat pastas. Finding lower carb alternatives can support your body in normalising insulin levels, resulting in more energy, better mood, reversal of stubborn weight gain and lower inflammatory levels. Learn more about eating for hormonal health and reversing stubborn weight gain in my book Hungry Woman. Soothe a stressed nervous system Prolonged stress disrupts our hormonal health, and let’s be honest, most of us are under a continuous stress to some degree! Supporting our nervous system during times of stress is of the upmost importance to our mental health and hormonal health. Cortisol, our main stress hormone, robs the body of our soothing and calming hormone, progesterone. This can lead to further anxiety and insomnia. Chronically high cortisol levels also drive inflammation in the body, resulting in tissue breakdown and premature aging. Supporting your nervous system can start with improving sleep, as discussed above, a walk in nature, spending time with friends and improving our social connections. Supplements to support our nervous system include essential fatty acids, particularly those that can also help balance our hormones such as Regenerative Omegas. Essential fatty acids are just that, essential for our mental wellbeing, as well as helping to reduce chronic inflammation in the body. Our daily health habits are not aiming for perfection, however we must aim for consistency, because it is consistency that makes such a difference in the long run. A daily walk, a forkful of sauerkraut at lunch, better sleep, more laughter, less worry. These are the low-hanging fruit that can see you go from surviving, to thriving, and we all deserve to thrive in life. Pauline Cox MSc, Functional Nutritionist, Author and founder of Sow & Arrow. To learn more about how to balance your hormones, at any age, read Hungry Woman- Eating for health, happiness + hormones. The Two Women Chatting 'Midlife Library' of resources has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content. Listen to Liz & Michelle chatting with Pauline here. Note: This post contains some affiliate links. This means that we may earn a small commission when you click on such links, at no additional cost to you. We only share links to products we would use ourselves and all opinions are our own. You can read the full disclaimer here. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates.

Death, Divorce or Dementia! Well this is going to be a jolly read isn’t it? The truth is that you are a lucky person if more than one of the three doesn't hit you and if you are a similar age to me, there are times when it seems like they all might be happening at once. We all have emotional rollercoasters lurking around life’s corners and sadly those tough times are going to be made even tougher if we haven't made some basic financial preparations. I am not in a position to lecture, I am very good at telling other people how to organise their lives but I haven't exactly had my finger on the pulse when it comes to making serious financial planning. Over half of cohabiting couples and over two-thirds of married couples have a senior financial partner in their relationship. Meaning, one person in the couple has handed over the financial reins to the other. This is most likely to be the woman as she takes time out of work for children…. Outdated but true. This too was me, when I took a break from work. I was so busy trying to be good at all the parenting stuff that I was very happy to hand over all the money matters. Many, many clever and capable women who have brilliant minds and maybe at one point brilliant jobs, take a financial backseat when children arrive. From financial independence to taking a “household salary”, it’s great whilst things are sailing along but if something happens to the person whose name is on the bills and bank accounts, then you will have a mess, that you are probably not strong enough to face, ahead. So here we go with some absolute no-brainers about financial planning to do as soon as possible if the above rings true to you. HAVE THE CONVERSATION While you are both fit and well. “Let's get our finances all sorted so we both fully understand and can control where we stand”, does not mean, I’m leaving you or I’m about to give you a shove off a cliff. It just means we need to look after each other now for the future. MAKE A FINANCIAL DOCUMENT A factsheet listing all accounts, pensions, loans and subscriptions….. Everything! There will be more than you think. You should both know how to access all of them and be aware, which are in just one name and which are joint. IF YOU ARE NOT MARRIED And that’s me too, then it is outdated but we need to protect ourselves. Recent research carried out by the insurance company Direct Line showed that more than one third - of cohabiting couples living in the UK were unsure of what their rights would be should their partner pass away without leaving a will, and that one in ten cohabiting couples wrongly believed that they would be automatically entitled to inherit their partner’s share of any property that they lived in together. You must know that a surviving partner will only inherit if this is stated in the deceased partner’s will. It doesn't matter if your relationship has outlived most marriages, you have very few rights. MAKE A WILL More than half of married people living in the UK have drawn up a will, whereas with unmarried people who live with a partner the figure is only 26%, just over a quarter. There are far too many cases of people having to sell properties and uproot at the most upsetting time simply because wishes hadn't been made clear. Often you can make a will for free if you leave some money to a charity. Otherwise, use a solicitor. It costs very little and is usually a very straightforward process. You can store it with the solicitor or at home if you like, just don't go at it with a Sharpie when you have a row! CHAT TO A FINANCIAL ADVISOR This doesn't have to be an expensive process and it will probably save you lots of time and money later. They can help you navigate names on the deed of the house, life insurance policies and cohabitation policies. There we go. That wasn't that painful was it? It’s not a pleasant or thrilling thing to do but you will feel so reassured once it is all sorted and believe me, you will never regret it. Who knows, in your organisation, you might find a long-forgotten bank account with enough for a small splurge in it! Alice Beer is a consumer journalist and presenter for ITV's This Morning. Take a listen to us chatting with Alice Visit our Midlife Library Resources which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content and more tips for empty nesters. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates.

“It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” goes the song by Lesley Gore - and, actually, a lot of people do. There’s even a name for it ‘the birthday blues’! And it turns out it’s really quite common! Anyone who knows me would describe me as smiley and positive, a ‘glass half full’ kind of gal and 364 days of the year I would say that’s true. But this weird thing comes over me towards the 5th of October and I can’t shake it off. I get anxious about my impending birthday. I shrug off pleas from my family ‘what would you like to do on the day’, is there a gift we can get you? With 'oh I don’t need anything, let’s just go for dinner.' After all, I’m not five years old I laugh. If people make a fuss I feel awkward - if they don’t make a fuss, I feel let down. It’s a lose-lose situation! Milestone birthdays are FAR worse. There seems to be this pressure to hold a big event to celebrate the beginning of new decades when, actually, I’d probably prefer go to the theatre and laugh or cry at some wonderful production. I woke at 4am this morning. Just couldn’t get back to sleep so decided to get these sentences out of my head, capture my feelings so that I could go back to bed for an hour or so with my brain freshly vacuumed of thoughts and worries. Having been diagnosed with ADHD this month I guess things are making a bit more sense to me. So at 4.15am I consulted Dr Google. Why do I feel so anxious on my birthday? It turns out I’m far from alone! Please don’t think this is a ‘pity me’ party. I’m more than aware that there are huge things going on in the world and for people personally who may be suffering from debilitating diseases or worries about money. I don’t know what it is really. An ‘upchuck’ of thoughts and feelings that, like so many things, are better written down and removed from my head. Birthday depression, or birthday blues, refers to that feeling of sadness, anxiety, or apathy that surrounds your birthday. "People who have birthday depression often spend their birthdays with a low sense of energy and feel gloomy, with thoughts that often focus on their past," psychologist Ash King tells Refinery29 in an article written by Alexandra Koster that really summed it up for me. Of course social media doesn’t help. It intensifies these feelings We tend to see validation by the number of likes or birthday shout outs and measure ourselves short if we don’t meet our ‘number’ expectations. I avoid Facebook on the day, worried no one will remember. How dumb is that, measuring my worth from mentions on social media - but I can’t help myself. As usual I’m a solution-seeker and I researched what can I do to deal with these feelings, to solve them. Some birthday depression symptoms can be similar to clinical depression symptoms, whilst others could be related to historic events or ‘life passing you by’, a fear of ageing. They may be caused by trauma in the past or it could be a sign of clinical depression, so watch out for that. Symptoms of birthday depression may include, but aren’t limited to, the following: • Persistent feelings of sadness • Low self-esteem • A lack of energy or enthusiasm about your birthday • Social withdrawal • Sleep disturbances • Changes in appetite • Obsessing over the past • Emotional volatility • Anxiety or paranoia • Brain fog • Disinterest in birthday celebrations So here are some ways I found that help: Wallow in it a bit - not for long but allow yourself to feel these feelings without guilt. Be kind to yourself and do things that YOU want to do on your birthday - and that could be nothing than a bubble bath, a glass of wine and your favourite movie. Plan your day, your way. If you want simple, do simple. Book in time with a friend or a mani-pedi. Prioritise your needs, even in small ways. Choose the food you want to eat for dinner - even if that’s baked beans on toast or a childhood favourite dessert. This is healthy selfishness and it’s good for you to practice self-care! Open up to your family or friends to let them know you’re not being a moody cow because of them - just explain it’s not your thing. I quite like to celebrate later in the week so there’s a disconnect between the actual date and the ‘celebration’. But if these birthday blues persist or become extreme, do go and seek support. In the meantime I’m off for a birthday road trip to Annapolis to see a friend. Today is going to be a good day! Visit our Midlife Library Resources which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content and more tips for empty nesters. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates. You can listen to Two Women Chatting podcasts on any platform or just by ‘asking Alexa’.

TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR COMFORT DURING MENOPAUSE WITH ANTI HOTFLUSH UNDERWEAR Almost 80% of women would experience hot flushes or night sweats, or both during menopause, according to new research funded by the U.S. National Institutes of Health. This makes hot flashes one of the most common symptoms of menopause. Aside from being painfully challenging to deal with, hot flashes are also linked with other symptoms in women such as stress and anxiety. Our goal in this post is to highlight how specially made menopause underwear can help with keeping menopause hot flashes under control. Organic Pima Cotton And Silk As The Most Breathable Fabric To Wear Synthetic fabrics like polyester, nylon, and similar ones are bad at managing heat and moisture. This is why your body may easily get overheated when wearing underwear products made from synthetic fabrics like these. Heat sets up your skin for itching. And when you constantly scratch the affected skin area, it helps eczema spread to other places. Not just that, it also opens up the skin area to sweating and skin infection. A good example of breathable fabric is the JulieMay range of comfort bras, all made from certified organic Pima cotton, complete with silk inner linings to further keep the skin cool. Along with cotton, silk is also one of the best fabrics when it comes to cooling down the skin, wicking away moisture, and regulating temperature. Products like this easily help to reduce the heat trapped around the genital area and make women feel more comfortable. JulieMay's Pima Cotton & Silk Collections Are Free From Harmful Dyes And Synthetic Fibres: Moisture-Wicking And Cooling Technologies JulieMay Lingerie offers moisture-wicking and cooling technologies in their designs. These features help to draw moisture away from the body and keep women feeling cool and dry during hot flushes. This is why Juliemay offers menopause underwear products made from a combo of both organic cotton and pure silk linings. The 100% Pure Silk bra linings and underwear inner layers help menopausal women get the best of both worlds whether it’s keeping the body cool and dry or wicking moisture away during sweaty moments, especially at night. Allergy-Free With Anti-Irritation Properties Hot flashes can cause sweating, leading to unpleasant odours. Choosing underwear with anti-odour properties can help minimize this issue and keep women feeling fresh and comfortable. Allergy-free underwear is also highly recommended to avoid heat rashes, hives, and other conditions that could be triggered when someone comes in contact with products containing substances they could be allergic to. Seriously consider avoiding synthetic fibres like nylon or polyester as well as underwear with metals like nickel and more if you are allergic to those. Talking of allergic skin reactions, chemicals such as dyes, phthalates, flame retardants, and others, used during the manufacturing process of most underwear products can induce allergic skin reactions in people with sensitive skin during menopause. Hypoallergenic underwear products like the dye-free organic cotton underwear products will ensure you don’t get to experience any skin reactions and irritations that may worsen hot flushes during menopause. JulieMay Lingerie is the only brand that has been accredited by AllergyUK to be friendly for people with allergic reactions to synthetic fibres and sensitive skins after breast surgeries. Our collections have been approved by qualified dermatologists to be hypoallergenic. Anti Hot Flushes Nightdress Tight-fitting underwear can trap heat and exacerbate hot flashes. Opting for loose-fitting underwear can help minimize the discomfort caused by hot flashes and allow air to circulate more freely around the body. Another good example, in this case, is the 100% Pure Silk Camisole Top In White from JulieMay. It fits loosely and is perfect for avoiding the dreaded night sweats during menopause. The luxuriously silky feel of this nightwear makes it the perfect choice for hot flashes and night sweats during menopause. Anti-Chafe Full-Waisted Briefs Besides bras and tops, you may need some comfy drawers during your menopause to feel good. The anti-chafe full waisted briefs are lightweight and use soft-touch fabric. They have an anti-bacterial coatinganti-flush pure silk inner layers designed with a pure silk leg cuff to avoid rubbing or chafing your inner legs. Other Lifestyle Changes To Help Manage Hot Flashes While the hormonal changes during menopause could be mostly responsible for the hot flashes we often experience as our body transitions during perimenopause, other lifestyle choices we make could also contribute to this. Some of the most common factors aside from menopause that coil also induce hot flashes include; Staying hydrated to keep the body cool Reducing stress through meditation or yoga Avoiding triggers such as spicy foods and alcohol, and Regular exercise We’ve highlighted several factors to consider when choosing menopause underwear such as going for breathable fabrics, choosing loose-fitting lingerie, and avoiding synthetic fibers, among other things. By taking these factors into consideration when selecting underwear, women undergoing symptoms of menopause will find it less challenging to stay cool and comfortable during hot flashes and manage their symptoms more effectively. The products we have featured about are some of the best you’ll want to get to keep hot flashes during menopause under control. The secret of Julie May products lies in the genius combo of breathable organic Pima cotton and inner linings made from 100% pure silk. These underwear products also do away with metals like nickels, as well as synthetics, latex, and some of the harsh chemicals and dyes used in conventional underwear products that often causes allergy issues for women with sensitive skin. When it comes to keeping cool and staying comfortable in your own skin, it never gets better than this! The symptoms of menopause could be quite uncomfortable, so coping with these symptoms can prove very challenging. But choosing high-quality underwear products can make coping with these a lot less challenging. This article is a promotional advertorial by JULIEMAY The Allergy UK-Accredited, Luxe, Sustainable Lingerie Brand. Please use discount code NEWS20 for a 20% discount. JulieMay has been selected as one of the UKs's 100 most inspiring small firms by the Small Business Saturday. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates. Please visit our resources page which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content and to learn more about the menopause why not listen to the two Two Women Chatting episodes on the Menopause and our chat with Dr Nighat Arif. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates. Note: This post contains some affiliate links. This means that we may earn a small commission when you click on such links, at no additional cost to you. We only share links to products we would use ourselves and all opinions are our own. You can read the full disclaimer here.