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When my marriage broke down, I laid the blame squarely at my husband’s door. After all, he was the one who walked away without leaving so much as a forwarding address. Three years on, I realise the end of a relationship is more complex than that — and, ultimately, it’s not about blame. (Admittedly, it took much reflection and vat-loads of medicinal rosé to reach this point.) Yes, his behaviour was more reprehensible than mine, but my post-marriage journey of self-discovery led to some painful truths about myself (not least that I’m an ugly crier). I realised there was a whole host of things I could — and perhaps should — have done differently. I don’t know for certain if these changes could have saved our marriage but they would have given us more of a chance. After I wrote a book about our break up, I received pleas from many broken-hearted women, and men, for my advice. Less expected were the generous souls who contacted me, having been through their own devastating split, wanting to offer insight, counsel and hope. Most had been treated badly, but only a few remained feather-spittingly furious. Instead, they were thoughtful, considered and able to see their own shortcomings as well as their ex’s. They were hungry for positivity, to learn how to nurture a relationship so their next one would be better. Keen to find myself in a similarly sanguine state, I had a significant amount of therapy and became an almost obsessive reader of self-help books. And now my learning curve is your gain. Why take nuptial advice from someone who couldn’t keep their own marriage alive? Just as alcoholics are best placed to help you put down that wine glass, a divorcee is best equipped to point out the pitfalls and patterns that could spell break-up. That’s not to say I have regrets about the split: I’m happier now and in a new relationship with someone better suited to me. Both battle-scarred, my boyfriend and I are grateful to have been given a second shot at — yes, I’m going to say it — love. And I’m confident that what I’ve learned will give us a better chance. So, I’m using my divorce to help save your marriage. Here are my love lessons . . . Learn to say the unsayable The more uncomfortable the issue, the more you need to raise it. My husband and I shared a bed, a bank account, two teenage children, a loathing of anchovies and quite often a toothbrush, but we shied away from sharing some of our biggest feelings and resentments. There were things I didn’t say for fear of being too hurtful to him or too exposing of myself. We had been together for 26 years — married for 15 — so, of course, we had collected grievances. I was frustrated with always taking the lion’s share of parenting, as well as his long working hours. I hoped the problems would magically evaporate if I ignored them. Instead, they festered like splinters left under the skin. And yes, this applies to sex, too. You might think your partner should just know what you like and need. But newsflash: they don’t. I should have told my husband I needed to feel sexy, loved, invested in and cared for — but I didn’t dare. Ditto money. Maybe you hate that they spend too much. Or that they are too tight. Say it. But do it in a calm, controlled manner with zero blame. Even if the thought of the words coming out of your mouth makes you feel sick, just count to three and do it. Be warned — just because you have finally found the courage doesn’t mean they are ready to hear it. They may react angrily in self-defence. Keep calm, give them space and hopefully your words will slowly sink in. Don’t shut down sexually When my husband and I first met, I was a hotpants-wearing, freewheeling fox with self-confidence in abundance. But somewhere between the birth of my second child and the Lehman Brothers crash of 2008, I started shutting down sexually. The exhaustion of early motherhood plus two decades of familiarity meant I started closing off erogenous zones like an impoverished aristocrat might shut rooms in their stately home. I stopped seeing myself as a sexual being and instead felt like the cook, cleaner and nursemaid. Meanwhile, I saw my husband as driver, handyman, accountant. Our sex life lost spontaneity and intensity and I became prescriptive about when and where we did it. It’s natural — domesticity seeps in and you lose sight of the person you were so attracted to. But it’s not inevitable. Now, I know it’s essential to remind yourselves why you liked each other in the first place. Take yourself out of the domestic sphere. Date nights are a cliché but they work. If you can’t make it to a restaurant, eat à deux after the children have gone to sleep. Go to bed early — together. Watch a romantic movie. Reminisce about old times. I know it’s hard, and expensive, to get a babysitter or book that mini-break — or even just get to the cinema — but believe me, they’re all far cheaper than a divorce. Stop striving, start living I’m a grade-A striver. A worker bee. I’ve grafted to create a good life. I tend never to sit down, working or doing from dusk till dawn. If my ex ever wanted to chill in front of the TV or read the sports section, I’d task him with yet another project. Like many people, we strived for a better house and financial security. We bought doer-upper houses and lived in half-finished rooms for years on end. The lack of downtime took its toll. I know so many relationships that have been decimated by a renovation. You end up with the perfect house — but the love leaves with the avocado en suite. Similarly, I have friends who are so busy striving to accumulate a great fortune that they never actually get to enjoy the fruits of their labours. So, public service announcement: don’t overstretch yourself. Do either of you really need the bigger house? Or the flashier car? Or the high-status job that means you’re so super-stressed you can’t sleep? Take time to enjoy what you have created together. Maintain the mystery When I was married I would dismiss those couples who kept bodily functions strictly private as prissy. I was all for openness in a relationship and for being your most basic self. Why? Because I saw that as being more real. I proudly wore my tracksuit that gave me a bottom so big it needed its own postcode. I reserved make-up and dressing up for my work, not for my husband. I had underwear older than my white goods. I believed it meant our love was authentic; shallow things like appearance no longer mattered. Busy with the daily grind, I told myself spending time and money on hair colour or gym membership was indulgent and vain. But the very same person you’re trying to impress with your parsimony might well look past your downtrodden self — to someone else with honey highlights and a peachy posterior. Now, I’m having a rethink. While polished perfection is not possible or desirable, maintaining a bit of mystery is essential for keeping the magic alive. So in my new relationship, I’m getting my nails done, locking the bathroom door and keeping my lingerie on point. Try to put yourself first My husband met an ambitious, independent and openly undomesticated young woman. Then life and children happened and I slipped into the role of chief cook and home-maker. I became a bit of (a lot of) a martyr to my family. I thought I was being my best self by prioritising everyone else. I prepped nutritionally-balanced children’s lunchboxes when I was dog-tired. Work was to pay the bills, not to gladden the soul. Looking back, I lost part of myself. The part that loved my job, whose identity was bound up in it. Because I was so exhausted, I stopped fighting for what I needed. And that made me resentful, which in turn created conflict between us. Remember, you must be happy with yourself before you can make someone else happy. So book a night out with friends. Chase the work you love. Put yourself first sometimes. Do sweat the small stuff When a friend asked my ex what had made him so unhappy in our marriage, one reason he gave was that I didn’t want him to put matting on the flower beds in the garden. It seemed an unbelievably trivial reason to end a marriage. But now I realise that he felt the weight of managing the garden —and I just dismissed it out of hand. Equally, I felt many of my annoyances were minimised. Like, please God, don’t turn the thermostat to Arctic levels because being cold makes me miserable. And don’t eat all the children’s snacks for the next week in one sitting. These are the little irritations that we do feel able to air, all the time, in fact, but which seem so silly they are often ignored. And they can become simmering sores over time. If your husband hates your dishwasher stacking, then maybe try to respect his views. And he should respect yours. In my relationship 2.0, I’m trying harder. Don’t judge me, but last week I used a cereal bowl for a dog bowl at my boyfriend’s house, which made him feel queasy. I won’t be doing that again. Let them win (sometimes) My ex and I endured five gut-wrenchingly hard marriage counselling sessions over the final few months, and the therapist, unsurprisingly, observed: ‘Your world views are different.’ We differed on parenting styles and attitudes to spending. I was softer; he was more authoritarian. I like holidays; he would happily stay at home. But whatever the topic, I was so preoccupied with being right — and mostly believed I was — that it took me until the age of 45 to realise that other people’s opinions are just as valid as mine. Our therapist offered a valuable reminder that the lens through which we each see the world is irrevocably shaped by our childhood, working environment and life experiences. You don’t have to agree all the time. But you do need to allow your partner their views. Next time, before you shoot them down, take a breath and listen instead. Make sure you demand more My new boyfriend puts toothpaste on my toothbrush when I stay over and it brings me such joy. But in a long relationship, it’s easy to forget these little kindnesses or decide they are too much trouble. Now, I’m much more appreciative of them than I ever was in my marriage. And better at acknowledging, and encouraging, them, openly saying how much they mean to me. And, in turn, I’m upping the ante myself. Because I was guilty of lavishing my friends, family and colleagues with attention, leaving only crumbs for my ex. Now, I massage my boyfriend’s back — and, more prosaically, clean his coffee machine. Do the little, thoughtful things before it’s too late. This article was originally published in the Daily Mail Read Rosie Green's book 'How to mend a broken heart' published by Orion Spring Listen to our podcast where we chat with Rosie Green. Visit our resources page which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates.

Now I do realise beetroot is a bit like Marmite you either love or hate it but for years I shunned it but then was presented with beetroot carpaccio and I was hooked. This beetroot carpaccio recipe is SO easy to make and costs almost nothing but looks rather impressive as a starter or side. And even better it’s packed with essential nutrients and is a great source of fibre, folate (vitamin B9), manganese, potassium, iron, and vitamin C. Ingredients 3 beetroot, scrubbed 1 lemon, zested and juiced 2 tbsp olive oil 1 tbsp cider vinegar 2 tsp honey 1 tsp Dijon mustard large handful of rocket 50g goat's cheese (optional) 20g walnuts, roughly chopped Preparation time: 15 minutes Method STEP 1 Trim away the ends of 3 large beetroot then, using a mandoline or sharp knife, thinly slice into discs. Tip into a bowl and drizzle over half the lemon juice, half the olive oil and 1 tsp of the cider vinegar, then season well. Toss or mix together, cover with a clean tea towel and leave to marinate for 20 mins-1 hr. STEP 2 Make a dressing by combining the remaining lemon juice, olive oil, cider vinegar, honey and the Dijon mustard with a good pinch of salt and freshly ground black pepper. STEP 3 Arrange the beetroot slices on a platter, slightly overlapped in a spiral pattern, then pile the rocket into the middle, leaving most of the beetroot on display. Drizzle over the dressing, crumble over the goat’s cheese, if using, and scatter with the chopped walnuts and lemon zest. Serve with crusty bread and a chilled glass of wine! Credit: Good Food Magazine Note: This post contains some affiliate links. This means that we may earn a small commission when you click on such links, at no additional cost to you. purchases. We only share links to products we would use ourselves and all opinions are our own. You can read the full disclaimer here.

In our latest Two Women Chatting podcast we chatted with Alexandra Potter award-winning novelist about her book ‘Confessions of a Forty-Something something F**K up’ which has been turned into the TV series ‘Not Dead Yet’ airing on Disney Plus on 8th February 2023. Described by Celia Walden in The Telegraph as ‘The New Bridget Jones’.'It is a a novel for any woman who wonders how the hell she got here, and why life isn't quite how she imagined it was going to be. And who is desperately trying to figure it all out when everyone around them is making gluten-free brownies.' So after our chat with Alexandra we thought if any of you midlifers would like to try your hand at writing now is the time. No excuses - the kids have left home. You have the time to try something new, push yourself out of your comfort zone and re-invent yourself as a writer. We have added numerous resources on our website to help you on your journey. We do of course realise becoming a successful writer is not easy but our mantra is 'unless you try …..' Here are our tips to get you started There are many types of writing from blogging, freelance writing, ghost writing (when you write for another person), journalism, technical writing, fiction, and non fiction so take some time to learn about each before you decide which path to take. 1. Read and listen to podcasts The more you read, the more you’re exposed to high-quality writing. Reading various genres of books and listening to podcasts gives you lots of ideas you can use in your own writing. Make yourself a monthly reading and listening list and enjoy. 2. Sign up for a writing course You don’t need a university degree to be a writer but what you do need is to keep learning and developing as a writer. There are many ways to develop as a writer: Take online courses on platforms like Udemy, Skillshare, Master Class, BBC Maestro Enter writing contests Create a writers website and learn how to develop it into an asset Consider a college writing course or a degree in English Literature, Communication Studies or Journalismwriter's 3. Make sure you write everyday You need to write to improve and the more you write the easier it becomes. In order to do your best work, you need a writing space that is totally free of distractions. This is the one time when you cannot be multitasking! Clarify your goals and prepare. Know what you want to accomplish before each day, each week, each month. Set yourself a target number of words to write each day. 1000 words is a good amount. Turn off all social me. Focus on one thing at a time. Make it part of your daily routine. Choose one task and give all your attention to that for 40 minutes to an hour. Just don’t procrastinate, it doesn’t have to be perfect. Writing tools. Start with something you know will be manageable and enjoyable like a blog even when you’re tired and not in the mood to write. Trust me a year from now, if you stick with your daily practice, you’ll have sharpened your writing skill and learned how to keep going even whatever your circumstances. Make use project management tools to automate your workflow and free up more time for deep work. Apps like PomoDoneApp use the Pomodoro technique to help you accomplish more in manageable chunks of time. Along with using a habit tracker app it is helpful to set a minimum word count target for the day – or a minimum number of minutes spent writing. Stop when you’re done. We're great believers in quality over quantity and don’t get bogged down in research, adding links, formatting, or overthinking. Just write, you can go back later with fresh eyes to add edit, and review. Keep a journal to jot down ideas and any experiences you could use later. We think a Moleskine is the best one you can get for writing Consider purchasing a Productivity Planner. It will really help you focus on your daily and weekly tasks. Self Journal – similar to the Productivity Planner but taking a focus on gratitude and tracking small actions every day. 4. Join a Writing Community It’s never too early to join a writing community and to start learning from other members and sharing what you know. Facebook Groups for writers (Search “writing,” and you’ll find plenty) Facebook groups for your chosen genre or writing path Linkedin writing groups Local writing groups ('Look up your nearest city writing groups') Online communities like NaNoWriMo and Critique Circle Attend Networking events for writers like the Writer's Digest Annual Conference , The London Book Fair and Hay's Literary Festivals where you’ll meet other writers and you can share insights and ideas. 5. Can I start a writing career when I still have a job? Absolutely, just set aside the time to: Write daily Connect with other writers Sign up for an online class Consider creating a simple writer website so people know you're there 6. Finding paid writing opportunities There are numerous places to look for opportunities so allocate time for job searching and connecting on social media with editors, publishers and fellow writers. Job boards: Problogger, Flex Jobs, Fiverr, Freelance Writing and People by The Hour and Upwork LinkedIn: in writing or industry-specific groups Facebook: in writing or niche-specific groups Writer guidelines for magazines and book publishers Social media channels like Twitter and Instagram 7. Do you need your own writer’s website? No as you can host your writing profile on sites like Contently or Linkedin, but with your own self-hosted website, you can create the profile you want. It can show your qualifications and gives future clients a taste of your personality, too.There are also other benefits: You can start a blog of your own with specialised niche content You can earn affiliate income with your blog posts You can create stylized links to your porfolio Don’t worry, maintaining an online platform doesn’t have to be a full-time job. And using a site builder like Wix makes it that much easier. Suggested reading Everybody Writes by Ann Handley Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing & Life by Anne Lamott The War of Art by Steven Pressfield Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World by Cal Newport Story Engineering by Larry Brooks Visit our Midlife Reinvention resources page which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content. Listen to our podcast where we chat with Alexandra Potter Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates. Note: This post contains some affiliate links. This means that we may earn a small commission when you click on such links, at no additional cost to you. purchases. We only share links to products we would use ourselves and all opinions are our own. You can read the full disclaimer here.

Back in October 2022 we spotted an article in The Sunday Times written by Marianne Jones all about midlife burnout, and it really piqued our interest. In 2019 'Burnout' was actually recognised by the World Health Organisation (WHO) as an 'occupational phenomenon with feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion, feelings of negativity towards one’s job and a reduced ability to cope'. The term was initially believed to be a syndrome resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed, however four years on and it has become widely acknowledged to cover all areas of life, not just the workplace. We just had to invite her on the podcast to talk about midlife burnout. She explained how her commitment to her long career as a multi award-winning editor, writer, podcast host and brand consultant, with 30-plus years' experience in women's lifestyle media led to her being on the brink of chronic illness. For decades she’d worked hard, striving for the respect of publishers and bosses, beating her rivals to cover stars and exclusives, constantly proving she was as good or better than her male counterparts and then, during covid, when the lines blurred between the working day and home life, her body rebelled at the stress. Marianne described how the doctor delivered the bad news, that “at the age of 55, my body was screaming at me to slow down or pay for it. I was stressed and burnt out". He told me I needed to take significant time off work. What is burnout? Burnout is often described as the “silent killer” as it can quietly damage the body for years before symptoms such as chronic fatigue, headaches, aches and pains, digestive problems, sleep issues, anxiety and depression can develop - along with scarily high blood pressure. What Does Burnout Feel Like? The first symptoms are usually extreme tiredness or chronic fatigue, irritability and cynicism. Increasing tiredness often means you are unable to cope with the demands put on you and relationships become strained and this is equally true of cynicism. Social isolation is very common among people experiencing burnout. Recognising symptoms early can make a huge difference. According to burnout researcher Diane Bernier, the journey to recovery consists of six stages you’ll have to walk through one stage at a time: Stage 1: Admit to yourself that you’re burned out. The first step in every recovery is realizing that something isn’t right and that you need to make a change. Stage 2: Distance yourself from the stress triggers. You can’t just keep going and expect things to change. Identify what’s stressing you out and take a break. Stage 3: Restore your health. Catch up on sleep, exercise, eat healthy foods, and socialize with the people you love Stage 4: Reevaluate your values. Once you feel like your brain and body are resetting a bit, take a real step back and think about what’s missing in your life. Do you have enough time with your family? Is your job too much? Are you bored at work? Do you make time for yourself? Stage 5: Explore other options and possibilities. Once you know what you’re missing and identified what you need, explore alternatives. Should you look for a new job? Take up a sport or hobby? Stage 6: Take a break and make a change. Hopefully, you can return to your old job with a new mindset and things work out. Maybe there are some changes that you make or ask for that will help you feel better about your work-life balance? So how can you recover if you think you have burnout? Self-help methods such as exercise, meditation, healthy eating and other lifestyle changes may work however once you are experiencing severe burnout these may well not make much difference alone and you may need to seek the help of a doctor or specialist. How Long Does It Take To Recover From Burnout? Just like symptoms will be different for each person the recovery length won’t be the same either. It may take a few weeks or months but for others, it may take a few years. Most importantly be kind to yourself and always seek the guidance of your doctor or other qualified health professional with any questions you may have regarding your health or a medical condition. Visit our resources page which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content. Listen to our podcast where we chat with Marianne Jones. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates.

Tips when moving elderly parents and relatives from their home environment As Richard Gere said ‘Growing old is a privilege’ and of course, he is absolutely right - but unfortunately, it does come with some downsides. That once super active confident independent person now has to ask for help whether it’s opening a jar of honey, clipping their toenails, or tending the garden, which they once found so easy to manage. In the first of two podcast episodes on Carenting, we discuss the topic of moving elderly parents from their homes to a safer home environment. Joined by Anne Bangs and Doreen Hall from TLC Senior Relocation we gleaned some useful tips and advice. The most pertinent piece of advice that hit home is to plan ahead. Take your time researching and do not leave it until there was no other solution because unfortunately, that is when often the wrong choice is made. The internet is awash with websites offering up advice and communities with images of beautiful grounds and smiling faces! But in reality, what is it they offer, and will it be suitable for your loved ones? Firstly, it is imperative to understand the level of care each option provides and the terminology can often be very confusing. In a nutshell, independent living communities focus mainly on serving the social needs of residents, as most are able to live independently without much support whilst assisted living communities support those who need assistance with activities of daily living but still allow residents to live as independently as possible. Useful websites for research and advice: Healthline AgeUK Aging Care National Association of Senior Move Managers TOP TIPS AND ISSUES TO CONSIDER: Talk about the move with family members. It may seem obvious but include your parent in the discussion and do not treat them like a child. Family members often get together and decide what they think is best but in fact, it’s best for them, not the parent. In many cases an elderly parent, not surprisingly, is adamant they will not move out of their home. This is when it can be better for an outsider to be involved as they can test the water and assess the situation. Even better get them to plant the seed of an idea of moving to assisted living. Include professionals including doctors in the discussions Sit down with family and list the pros and cons. Care homes are expensive, there’s no getting around this but that’s because they are ‘care’ homes and have the staff and facilities to do so. However, not all care homes are equal! Be realistic. Sometimes one sibling believes the parent can manage, this is often the case if they don’t see them on a regular basis. You must all communicate and be on the same page. Do your research. It’s all very well that the home is set in acres of beautiful grounds but where are the local shops to walk to? Is it near a train or bus station? If the home is in a remote location they may have issues finding staff. How long is the journey for family members and friends to visit? Try not to choose one in a different area away from where your parent’s lived. Friends will find it extremely hard to visit. What are the other residents like? Will your parent fit in and make friends? Visit the home more than once- this is why it is crucial to plan ahead. On the initial visit, the staff can be wonderful but then sadly on an unannounced visit you see the true colours of the staff and venue. How will the care home be financed? This can often cause rifts in families, so be considerate of your parent’s needs and thoughts. Don't argue in front of them – imagine how they will feel. Carenting Part 2 podcast will look at moving an elderly parent into your home and the gadgets, AI, care and infrastructure available out there to help them stay in their own as long as they hope to. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates.

With so much coverage on social media on menopause it is easy to get overwhelmed and a little confused -it’s fantastic that menopause is, at last, being discussed and is now high on the agenda in the UK. But menopause is a very personal issue and affects women in so many different ways. It is a natural stage in a woman’s life and sadly some struggle a lot more than others. The two of us have had totally different menopause journeys and cannot stress enough that you must talk to a doctor or health expert about your symptoms. The Menopause Mandate In our recent podcast, we interviewed some of the amazing women behind The Menopause Mandate including Carolyn Harris MP, Lavina Mehta MBE, Alice Smellie and Laura Biggs. who are a group of motivated women from all walks of life who share a common interest in perimenopause and menopause. As they say: 'This isn't a feminist issue or a niche topic. This affects our whole society as women make up over half the population’. These incredible women are devoted to creating a coalition of campaigners to achieve everyone's ultimate goal of revolutionising the support and advice women receive from both our health service and wider society’. There are thought to be an estimated 18 million peri and post-menopausal women in the UK, and for millennia menopause has been off the map. Now, thanks to this tireless campaigning, it's the biggest women's issue of the moment. Yet menopause provision in the UK remains shockingly poor. Healthcare professionals aren't routinely educated about the subject, and health advice is often out of date. Women are regularly refused Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) and other treatments despite the NICE Guidelines. Even if they obtain a prescription, the medication is frequently unavailable - with ongoing shortages. There could be more than 50 symptoms of menopause, and the majority of women will experience at least one. Plummeting hormones, particularly oestrogen, can lead to symptoms lasting years and long term health problems Ensuring that women, are seen by trained doctors and nurses and given the latest and best advice isn't a luxury, it's a human right. Millions in the UK are struggling mentally and physically because of this catastrophic failure in women's health, leaving jobs, relationships are suffering, and there are even suicides. Source: The Menopause Mandate Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates. Visit our resources page which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content.

Lifestyle Journalist Suzanne Baum reflects on the pain of losing a best friend in tragic and shocking circumstances. As the daughter in law of a United Synagogue rabbi, I have had some insight into grieving. Fortunately not my own, but for the 25 years in which I have been married, I am only too aware of the rabbi’s role in burying the dead, helping the mourners with their pain and going through the process of a funeral, shiva and life after death. And it is the latter part where his words of wisdom have really stuck with me. Once the Jewish week of mourning is over and the visitors stop coming as much, when the warmth of the initial bubble of comfort subsides, the pain goes on. Life after death. Always try to be present, look out for the person who is suffering the loss of a loved one and check in with them regularly. Life goes on yes but – for anyone who has suffered from a loved one dying – it goes without saying this is not life or even reality, but, for many, a nightmare I have followed his advice. And it is the ‘life after’ right now that I am entering; a period where I – and so many of us – have given our word to our beautiful, strong, loving best friend Judianne that we will be by her side forever more. A week on from our friend Dean Jayson’s death, the reality of never seeing him again has not sunk in. As a tight friendship group we are holding on to him via a WhatsApp group where we continue to share photos, memories, videos of Dean and even an emoji he set up with a party balloon coming out his head. For that was Dean – the life and soul of the party. He was so very loud, we would often tell him to shut up. What we wouldn’t give to hear his strong Essex voice again – for the silence is deafening. The silence is so deafening that the time we have all spent sitting in the family house, has been to fill the silence. 'The prevalence of suicide in our society has been gradually rising and the devastation, which I have seen first-hand, leaves behind a tornado of despair' As a woman of words, this should be easy but my voice seems to have become disconnected from my brain. Perhaps the shock of Dean’s sudden and totally unexpected death – that came like a sledgehammer to my head – has put me into a state of muteness. But silence gives my friend Judianne time to get lost in her thoughts, so I use all my strength – as do our friends – to fill the gaps with tales of Dean, stories of our friendship group, days at university and his ability to fall asleep anywhere – in the back of a cab, on our sofa, standing up or horizontal somewhere. In the last moments we saw Dean someone reached out and shut his eyes and told us he looked peaceful, just like he does when he was sleeping. Could we take comfort in that? Not really, because we want him, we need him, to wake up. Facing the loss of a loved one is always difficult, but losing someone to suicide can add another level of pain to your grief. The shock and anguish following a suicide can seem overwhelming and I know now I don’t talk for myself when I posted my initial thoughts on my Instagram post hours before his funeral on Sunday. As someone who can’t cook I watched the crowd of amazing friends continually delivering meals to our friend and her kids and thought I can’t help on this front. Yet, I can write. Writing is my creative and emotional outlet and I felt the need – for the first time in a week – to post how I was feeling. The response to my words was overwhelming. I touched upon my grief, shock, despair. I spoke of my 48-year-old lawyer husband and his friends – the most beautiful group of men reduced to tears. I wanted people to know it is okay not to be okay. I am not okay – my friends are not okay. The Samaritans – from whom I have been seeking support via their website – encouraged me to share my words in a bid to let others know that when you lose a loved one to suicide, it can be all-consuming. And it is. For Dean was the ultimate mensch. A best friend, father, husband and son. Loyal, fair, intelligent, loud, kind, hospitable, outspoken, funny and passionate. On a personal note, he was a mentor to my eldest son, who is joining Dean’s place of work Accenture, where he rose through the ranks to get to the top. 'On Sunday, at exactly the time Dean was lowered into the ground at 3.48pm, the rain came down so strongly, the thunder roared. The heavens really did open for our friend'. On LinkedIn, pages and pages of messages from former colleagues reiterate the same thing. He was an outstanding boss, a hard worker, a man of his word, a kind soul who only wanted the best out of everyone. He also had a brilliant sense of humour. We would laugh until we cried. And now, we are just crying. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as waking up crying, yet my husband and I have both experienced it this week. Crying in the very little sleep we have had. I have married into a rabbinical family, but I am not religious. Yet – the sense of community, the love of our rabbi, the endless chicken soup and the prayers have been comforting. I’ve read so much about Jewish funerals – I have watched my husband teach our friends’ three kids how to say kaddish for their father – and I felt my body shiver to the core bearing witness to them shovelling soil onto their fathers casket. So, why I am writing this? Yes, I was asked to, yes it is an outlet for me to express my emotions but most importantly it is to highlight the importance of the fragility of our mental health. The prevalence of suicide in our society has been gradually rising and the devastation – which I have seen first-hand – leaves behind a tornado of despair. The ripple effect I call it. Family and friends of loved ones, work colleagues, a community and even people who didn’t know Dean have been left in shock. As someone who writes on mental health all the time, I would often say look out for the symptoms and the signs but – with Dean – there were none. Nothing. And this was a man who never, ever stopped talking, until now. Dean was loved beyond words. Our hearts are broken. Not only for Judianne, but for the hundreds of us who loved him. Dean was THE BEST. And in his memory, Judianne wants to make something positive come from this most harrowing of experiences. To raise money for a charity very close to their hearts. A charity where every year his best friends would join together in a poker tournament in the house that was everyone’s home – to raise money for myisrael. I know I speak on behalf of all the friends when I say our world has been shattered. We will rebuild, yet with a huge hole in our circle. Heaven has certainly gained a diamond. Suzanne Baum is a lifestyle editor & celebrity interviewer. This article first appeared in The Jewish Chronicle

What is meningitis? Meningitis is the inflammation of the membranes that surround and protect the brain and spinal cord. These layers are called the meninges. Some bacteria that cause meningitis can also cause septicaemia (blood poisoning). There are many different causes of meningitis, but the two most common organisms are viruses and bacteria. Meningitis can affect anyone of any age Meningitis can kill Meningitis can cause long-term after-effects Viral and bacterial are the most common causes of meningitis No vaccine provides 100% protection against meningitis Early signs and symptoms can appear similar to 'flu' or a stomach bug Viral meningitis is more common than bacterial meningitis but rarely fatal Bacterial types are comparatively rare, but extremely dangerous and can be fatal The most common bacterial cause in the UK is the meningococcus. This can cause both meningitis and septicaemia (meningococcal disease) Other types of bacterial meningitis include pneumococcal, Hib, neonatal (usually caused by group B streptococcus and E. coli) and TB UK charity Meningitis Now estimates that there are currently around 2,000 cases of bacterial meningitis in the UK and 6,000 cases of viral meningitis each year – equivalent to 22 a day. What are the main signs and symptoms? The common signs and symptoms associated with meningitis and septicaemia can appear in any order, and some may not appear at all. In adults and children: Fever with cold hands and feet - Vomiting - Drowsy, difficult to wake - Confusion and irritability - Severe muscle pain - Pale blotchy skin, spots or a rash that does not fade under pressure - Severe headache - Stiff neck - Dislike of bright lights - Convulsions/seizures In babies and toddlers: - Fever with cold hands and feet - Refusing food or vomiting - Fretful, dislike of being handled - Drowsy, floppy, unresponsive - Rapid breathing or grunting - Pale blotchy skin, spots or a rash that does not fade under pressure - Unusual cry, moaning - Tense, bulging fontanelle - Neck stiffness - Dislike of bright lights - Convulsions/seizures What is the rash? When meningococcal bacteria multiply in the blood stream, they release toxins (poisons) that damage the blood vessels. The rash is caused by blood leaking from the damaged blood vessels into the tissues underneath the skin. The rash can start anywhere on the body. It begins as tiny red pin pricks, but may quickly develop to look like fresh bruising. The Glass Test can be used to see if the rash might be septicaemia. If you press the side of a clear drinking glass firmly onto the spots or bruises, they will not fade. A rash will not always appear with meningitis and can be one of the last symptoms to be displayed. Never wait for a rash if you suspect meningitis. Who’s at risk? Anyone can be affected by meningitis and septicaemia, but there are certain factors which may put you at greater risk. These include being a certain age – the under-fives are most at risk, particularly the under-ones; teenagers and young adults are the second most at-risk group; and those over 65 are also at increased risk. Living environment, exposure to passive smoking, mass gatherings and immune system problems are also factors. What vaccines are available? Vaccines are the only way to protect yourself against meningitis. Effective vaccines are available to prevent some types of meningitis and septicaemia, but not all. It is important to know the signs and symptoms and seek urgent medical help if you are concerned. Most vaccines are available as part of the UK routine immunisation schedule. A combined vaccine that protects against Hib, diptheria, tetanus, polio, pertussis and hepatitis B is offered to babies at 2, 3 and 4 months A Men B vaccine is offered to babies at 2, 4 and 12 months A pneumococcal conjugate vaccine (PCV) protects against 13 strains that commonly cause disease. Babies born on or after 1 January 2020 are offered the vaccine at 12 weeks and 12-13 months. A different combined vaccine (Hib and MenC) is offered at 12-13 months A Men C vaccine – combined with Hib – is offered to infants at 12-13 months The MMR vaccine protects against measles, mumps and rubella and is offered at 12-13 months and again at around 4 years The MenACWY vaccine is offered around 14 years of age. It is also offered to new university entrants up to the age of 25 years, who have not previously been vaccinated A pneumococcal polysaccharide vaccine (PPV) is offered to anyone aged 65 years and over The MenACWY vaccine is available to people travelling to areas of the world with a high incidence of Men A, C, W or Y disease such as sub-Saharan Africa or Saudi Arabia during Hajj and Umrah pilgrimages After meningitis Meningitis can strike quickly, but its impact can last a lifetime. Meningitis and septicaemia can turn your world upside down, leaving many affected with after-effects. One in ten of those who contract bacterial meningitis will die. Up to 30-50% of those who survive bacterial meningitis are left with one of more permanent problems and suffer physical, neurological and physiological after-effects. After-effects can include brain injury, deafness, learning difficulties, epilepsy, mood swings, disruptive behaviour, sight problems, headaches, tiredness, memory loss or concentration problems. The toxins that are released during septicaemia cause damage to blood vessels. This can prevent the vital flow of blood and oxygen to major organs and can result in after-effects such as skin and tissue damage, amputations or organ failure. Where to get help and find out more Michelle Bresnahan, who set up the Bristol-based charity, a Life for a Cure, following her 16-year-old son Ryan’s death from meningitis in 2010, has been campaigning tirelessly to raise awareness of the symptoms of the disease and funds for research. She works closely with national charity Meningitis Now. Meningitis Now is the founder of the meningitis movement and the only charity dedicated to fighting meningitis in the UK. With nearly 35 years’ experience it is working towards a future where no one in the UK loses their life to meningitis and everyone affected gets the support they need to rebuild their lives. Meningitis Now fights the disease on all fronts: · Providing a powerful, united voice for people fighting meningitis. · Saving lives by funding vaccine and preventative research. · Reducing the disease’s impact through awareness. · Rebuilding futures with dedicated support · Fundraising to deliver its plans. Find out more on the website Meningitis Now.org and listen to our podcast with Michelle Bresnahan, founder of Life for a Cure Call the free Nurse-led Helpline on 0808 80 10 388 Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates. Visit our resources page which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content.

Whether it’s buying charity Christmas cards or donating the money we would have spent on cards now more than ever charities need our help. But, with most households counting the pennies right now, our help doesn’t have to just be financial - time and effort can be equally as important. With just a couple of clicks, your online Christmas shopping through Amazon Smile can ensure a portion of the purchase price is donated to the charity of your choice. Whether you want to help animals, the environment, or people in need there are some incredible apps and websites which offer both online and in-person opportunities. If your gift is time, then check out gov.uk just type in your postcode, add your interests and you’ll be matched with volunteer opportunities locally such as working at vaccination centres, event work, drivers for the elderly or become a trustee or ambassador for organisations that need specialist help from people with marketing, teaching and legal backgrounds. The possibilities are endless - and a wonderful way to make new friends in your community. If you’re happy to get a DBS check you could mentor children, teach them to read, tutor underprivileged kids or join a street crossing patrol. Maybe you’re more scientific, in which case The Zooniverse might call your name. It’s the world’s largest and most popular platform for people-powered research and enables everyone to take part in real cutting edge research in many fields across the sciences, humanities, and more. Not squeamish? Then donate blood or plasma. Register through the NHS at www.blood.co.uk. If your skills are more creative you could offer to help out with design, digital marketing and advertising for a charity that needs some assistance. You don’t even need to leave home to help the world be more accessible for blind and low-vision people through the Be My Eyes app that connects sighted volunteers and companies globally through a live video call. Or perhaps Amnesty Decoders appeals to you. It’s an innovative platform for volunteers around the world to use their computers or phones to help researchers sift through pictures, information and documents to aid in exposing human rights violations. Or take a look at Translators without Borders a global community of over 100,000 language volunteers offering language services to humanitarian and development organizations worldwide. Foodbanks are really going to need our help this year. If you’re not in the position to add a few extras to your weekly shop, perhaps you could donate your time at a local food bank to collate and hand out much needed supplies. Check out the Foodbank app or go online to volunteer via The Trussell Trust. Finally don’t forget the animals that work for us as guide dogs, rescue dogs, service horses or any kind of emergency support. The charity NFRSA looks after service dogs and horses who do not receive financial support for their ongoing care once they are retired. We’ve compiled lots of Information on charities and philanthropy, with hyperlinks to volunteer. Visit our resources page on our website www.twowomenchatting.com Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates.

A topic that is on our minds like everyone else is the cost of living crisis so we chatted with Jasmine Birtles, broadcaster, journalist, 'money guru' and founder of popular consumer money website moneymagpie.com. We asked her to give us some creative tips so that we can all save a little and also to bring in some much needed cash. You'll be amazed how much money can be made from the comfort of your home! All the links to the websites and apps mentioned can be found on the Two Women Chatting resources page 25 ways to Save a Little (well quite a lot actually!) Take an audit of how much you spend on groceries and see if any savings can be made Search for discount coupons via moneysavingexpert.com or moneymagpie.com Sign up for the Olio app which connects neighbours with each other and with local businesses so surplus food can be shared, not thrown away. To Good to Go is an app which allows you to purchase unsold food from eateries such as Pret a Manger at the end of service, to prevent it from being thrown away. This means you get high-quality food at a great price and do some good for the planet. Use the app Gander to discover local stores that are discounting food or just ask in the store when they usually 'yellow sticker'. Take the Downshift Challenge : try a cheaper brand -if you don’t notice a difference keep with it Add pulses to bulk out meat dishes Slice a steak once it’s cooked you’d be amazed how much further it goes Organise a swap of excess harvest produce. Swap seeds and plants with friends and neighbours Check the price per kilo of loose items of fruit and vegetables by using the Omni Calculator Use washing machines in the evening when energy prices are lowest and use powder not liquid - almost all washes can be done on the 'cold' setting Consider water-saving gadgets to reduce energy and water bills such as a water meter – if you have more rooms than people it may be worth looking into Amazon Family – consolidate all your accounts Cancel automatic credit cards which are filed on your computer to stop impulse purchases in the middle of the night. Do you really need those new shoes? Do a 'subscriptions audit' - do you really need them all or could you do 'family' accounts with your adult kids. Handy for apps like Spotify, Hulu, Amazon Prime Check bank accounts for old direct debits, subscriptions, recurring payments Buy lost or stolen goods at auctions – just search police or lost luggage sites Unplug electrical items such as TV's and kettles when they are not in use Consider a NHS Prepayment subscription Buy a Railcard Hire rather than buy an outfit for a special event (great links on the resources page like Rent the Runway) Check insurance policies and renegotiate - they won’t want to lose you For large purchases consider getting a 0% purchases credit card where the 0% lasts at least 12 month and pay off monthly - more info on moneysavingexpert site. If you wear a uniform for work you can receive a tax rebate for washing/repair Freecycle/ Freegle has lots of wanted goods for free 17 ways to earn a little extra money There are plenty of ways to earn a little extra cash …. If you have attractive feet or hands you can become a hand or foot model Become a film extra for the day Complete surveys for companies online and receive free goods or cash through sites like you gov or Ipsos isay ( NB. Create a new email address for signing up to survey websites) Sign up to websites like Upwork or fiverr where you can offer your expertise to businesses on a freelance basis Sell unwanted items –mobile phones, I pads and laptops· Test products for companies - Usertesting.com are always looking for people to try out products and websites Check that promotions and ads are in stores for companies using your smart phone Offer your house for a TV or movie set Rent out a room, there are lots of people wanting a room only from Monday-Friday - there's a website just for this (see resources) Become a dog sitter Sell unwanted clothes on sites like Vinted or Depop Sign up to be a games tester Rent out spare storage space or your garage or driveway (check out JustPark or YourParkingSpace to list yours) If you take great quality photos consider selling your images to professional sites like Alamy or Shutterstock Sell odd gold earrings and unwanted jewellery and perfumes - even bits of broken jewellery will sell Repurpose jewellery and old furniture and sell online. A lick of paint or some new accessories could appeal to a buyer Become a childminder or private tutor (you will require a DBS check and register with Ofsted) Become a Property Guardian which is an arrangement by which people are granted cheap accommodation in return for living flexibly often in desirable locations Two Women Chatting key takeaways …. Do an audit of your costs and a financial health check Use your skills or spare time to generate income Sign up for apps and free money management and budgeting apps like Snoop or Emma which help you track your spending, cut your bills and control your finances. Listen to the full conversation with Jasmine Birtles here and visit our resources page which has all the links to our tips. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates and never miss an episode.

Teri Macgilbert, Founder of SassySober Mum summarises her sober journey I started drinking at 14. Since then, I became a regular binge drinker for 27 years. Initially it was drinking out with friends but at some point in my 20’s it became drinking at home to relax on my own. In my thirties, I drank five nights a week and every holiday. One bottle would often become two and I’d occasionally try to cut down. I knew drinking heavily wasn’t good for me and after my children came along it got harder to manage the constant hangovers. I planned my life around drinking. I obsessed about when and what I would drink and making sure I had enough wine in the house. I set dozens of rules for myself in an attempt to moderate, but it never lasted long. It consumed me emotionally. I was functioning at 50% and I hated the feeling of not knowing if next time I would go too far. At 41, after another heavy night out drinking with girlfriends, I woke up broken and full of anxiety. I decided on that day to quit. I quit by making a plan for myself which included books, podcasts, walking, distracting myself during trigger moments and free online social media groups. I have removed the desire for alcohol. I worked on breaking down my false beliefs and rebuilding my life around truth and facts. Alcohol didn’t add anything to my life, it only took. I’d never want to numb my true feelings now, even the not so nice ones. I’m so much happier and healthier now. I’m free. I now try to show others how to make changes to their relationship with alcohol through my podcast and Instagram account @sassysobermum. Listen to Teri's podcast 'Sober Stories from Everyday People' and the Two Women Chatting episode Cheers to Sobriety to hear insights and tips on alcohol free living. Visit our resources page which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates.

We discover what it means to be sober curious and suggest some fabulous alcohol free drinks to try over the festive season. What does it mean to be ‘sober curious’? We live in a society where many social events revolve around the consumption of alcohol and it can be difficult to say ‘I’m not drinking tonight’ with friends asking ‘what’s wrong’ or ‘one won’t hurt you’ or even ‘you’re no fun without a drink’! With Christmas just around the corner, we have been re-evaluating our relationship with alcohol. And it seems we are not alone. There has been a significant shift driven partly by people worried about their drinking habits after lockdown (IWSR research group analysis shows 58% of adults worldwide are looking to moderate their drinking) and by millennials who are much more conscious about wellness to reduce or abstain from drinking alcohol. It’s worth noting that drinking alcohol has been associated with 200+ disease and injury conditions and results in about 3 million deaths per year worldwide (World Health Organisation). The sober curious movement Being ‘sober curious’ means questioning the ways in which alcohol affects you and the role it plays in your life. Why do I drink? How does it make me feel? Would I say no to social events if there was no alcohol? Do I crave a drink when out for dinner? Sober curious people don’t necessarily abstain entirely from alcohol but cut it out for a short period of time or may partake in Dry January to experience life without alcohol. They will say no when offered a drink and find other ways to enjoy themselves such as sport or seeking out a new hobby or even launching a podcast! What's stopping you becoming sober curious? A real worry for many is the social aspect and what to drink as an alternative to alcohol so that you still feel included. It can get boring really fast if fizzy drinks and water are the only alcohol-free drinks on offer There have been zero alcohol beers and lagers on the market since the 1970s. Fashionable mocktails have thankfully come a long way since the sickly sweet ‘Shirley Temple’ was created in the 1930s by a bartender in Hollywood for the child actress Shirley Temple. But it was not until 2014 that low and no-alcohol developments in the British spirits industry began to get traction when Ben Branson founded Seedlip, which is now one of the UK’s most successful non-alcoholic botanical spirits. In 2019, ex-Made in Chelsea star Spencer Matthews founded CleanCo after quitting drinking and he dispels one of the fears many sober curious have “you can still go out and be sociable, and also enjoy yourself with a clean drink that tastes just like the real stuff. You don't have to be confined to a dull soft drink. The key is getting used to being in social situations without the stimulation of alcohol and not relying on it for confidence.” Recent innovation and advancements in the NOLO drinks sector Fortunately, there have been great strides within the last few years with brands developing a range of delicious AF (alcohol-free) drinks. There are now numerous NOLO (non-alcohol and low alcohol) alternatives out there and as technology develops even non-alcoholic wines which, until recently have had a bad reputation (for good reason!) are improving. Some of the great brands we tried included, Pentire, Saicho, Cognato, Lyres, Smashed Drynks,Caleno Three Spirits, LA Brewery and Noseco. Read our blog 'Good Clean Fun' to discover our favourites! Health Benefits of being sober curious Anyone listening to our podcast will know we always seem to end up talking about disastrous diets and attempts at weight loss. From our experience, we can tell you reducing your alcohol helps! Along with a plethora of other benefits such as improved skin, mental alertness, lower blood pressure, reduced brain fog and increased energy. Final thoughts Sober curious is not for everyone and for those struggling with alcoholism is not the right step. If you think you have a problem with alcohol do consult your doctor. But if you wish to take a more mindful approach to drinking then it is well worth considering. There are now so many great-tasting alternatives with restaurants and bars increasingly offering NOLO options on their menus. In addition, groups like The Sober Club run by Janey Lee Grace, support individuals who wish to stop or reduce their drinking, advising on what other options are available and working with the hospitality industry to improve AF choices. Plus there are some helpful books including Love Your Sober Year by Kate Baily and Mandy Manners and Sober Curious by Ruby Warrington. Listen to our podcast 'Sober Curious' where we chat Janey, Kate and Mandy. Read our blog 'Good Clean Fun' to learn more about our favourite non-alcoholic drinks. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates. Visit our resources page which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content. Note: This post contains some affiliate links. This means that we may earn a small commission when you click on such links, at no additional cost to you. As an Amazon Affiliate, we earn from qualifying purchases. We only share links to products we would use ourselves and all opinions are our own. You can read the full disclaimer here.